To consistent writing and quality

Sunday morning. Cloudy sky. After a long needed break I finally have the motivation and the passion to write again. And from my experience that is one of the best feelings in life. Feeling that many lack for whatever reasons. I can finally breathe again and feel myself again. I had to take that needed break to liberate myself from the shadow that was encompassing me and that was interfering with my daily life. I had to deal with many things since the time I last wrote my last post, and it was a busy period, but it was worth it. Constantly trying to maintain balance between a life supposedly meant to be, a life planned, and life that is constantly happening around me, not real life, because people often misrepresent what real life is, but real life as in life at the moment, life that I can feel, despite at times not being fully focused on it (even though I despise myself when I am not fully focused on something, anything), but it was life that helped me go through that burden and through that confusion of what will the future hold for me. And the future now looks better, even though I am single. It looks more clear and I can grasp it more. When you can feel it, and when you know that you prefer that one more, than the one you were going to live for someone else, you realise that your current life, and your current track and path that you are walking daily, is the right one.

I can’t deny that the past months were not hard. Lots of cigarettes smoked, lots of cigarettes partially smoked, no alcohol or something more contagious luckily. The cigarettes actually helped me in that period, to clear my sea of thoughts the tempest that was imminent, that at times happened and was created out of the shadows. That same shadow I mentioned before maybe. And even if I despise cigarettes this time they really helped me. Or maybe it was just a placebo effect. Nevertheless, I am liberated, maybe not 100% because the past can’t be completely forgotten, otherwise, you are being a hypocrite to yourself. You may wonder how do I know that I am feeling better? How does one know when he/she reaches that phase and can move on? If you find yourself doing the daily tasks that you enjoy and that make you smile, you are on the right track. I for example, can listen to Paul Oakenfold again and be happy, look at the sky at a slightly different way, read articles again and think more, be focused more on being the person that I really want to be, be focused more on work etc.

I can more easily recognise quality, like in the Sunday morning song from an unpopular band from Singapore called Paint the sky in red, and in anything really, people included, and I will continue giving my full trust from the first day to anyone that I decide is worth because that is me, but this time she will be different and she will decide to trust me fully from day one back.

 

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Init_0

Everything ends? Or everything begins? Two questions that will haunt me in the next chapter of my life that follows. Will I ever reach that phase where everything will be forgotten,  will I ever reach the top of the spiritual mountain, a mountain with one person climbing it. Yes you have guessed it right, myself. For the past 3 years and so, I was climbing the mountain called life which for me is tightly intertwined with another mountain called love. Or maybe love can be defined as a volcano. A volcano that never stops with its eruptions. That volcano is finally gone. I can’t be burned once again. I can’t, because I know that that fire will never be there again. My heart will never love anyone as it loved her. Anna Elizabeth. The two names I instantly felt in love with. From the moment she introduced herself. I liked those names and I know that they will mean everything to me. I knew that from the very first days I was in love with her. I was falling in love gently, rapidly, but it was unsurprising because I knew that it will happen. My heart knew that she was the one I have been waiting for, from the very first moments. From the very first moments I saw her green eyes. I trusted her, I cried for her, and I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. She was my cherry blossom, my favourite flower, she was the river that never stops, an eternal flame that can never be contained or extinguished. My heart got the confirmation that she I made the right choice, from the very first time I hugged her. It’s not easy to love, but it was easy to love her. It was easy to feel home with her, because she was my home. She instantly became my only family that I always needed.

And now there is that steep mountain. A mountain that has many narrow cliffs. Cliffs from which I am destined to fall and maybe never get up again. Endless abyss from which I can only see darkness and nothing more. And nothing else will ever matter again, because the darkness will cover me entirely. Even though I am a warrior of the light (“Paulo Coelho”). Like in the Pandoras box, there will only remain hope. And maybe not even that. It will be my box, my demise that will trap me and from which I might not escape. It will be a box inside a bigger box called life and I will be in a state of limbo. Time will seem endless and I will chained in the purgatory with only myself and maybe if I am lucky my mind. Without my heart and maybe without my sanity. I will go back to the introverted, arrogant me and I will know that this time she will not be there to see through that facade, she won’t be there to save me from myself.

Init_0 started today, the 18th of March 2017.

Emotions

Sometimes, it’s very hard to look at reality, to notice it, and to realise that things are actually happening. I wish everything was just a dream that I can wake up from. I wish I can wake up, not thinking about everything that had happened, and be so strong, that I can just forget about everything. Or decide that I will forget it, after a certain period of time. One thing I know for sure, is that I can’t disjoint things and situations easily. I can’t easily be focused about something completely, and not thinking about the world that crumbled in a course of month, despite resolving many other things in my life, but the only thing that I had thought was stable and it won’t shatter, it did broke. The frames of the place I though was my home, broke, and all of the rooms inside feel empty, unprotected and missing that crucial link. That reality, is troubling me, and I don’t have the manual for resolving that imposed reality that caught me so off guard, and didn’t let me prepare for the fall. I don’t know what to think of people anymore. I never believed my family truly, because they all have their perks, I rarely have any friends that I really believe in, but they are just my friends at the end, they can help me, but they can’t form that reality, the new one in which I will see the world as a beautiful place again. A world where I will see people again and smile to honestly.  World where when I see a homeless person sleeping with his dog on the street, I will smile because that bond is so unique and in some cases better than a human to human bond. A world where I will have the hope again, that I am not alone out there, that there exists someone that I will be whole again. That hope at this moment is completely gone, and the worst part about it, is that I couldn’t have any real say in it.Like when the snow leopard mom wanders one day alone and leaves her kid to find his way in the high peaks of the Himalayas. Can we compare that with humans? Are we savages then? To have the audacity to decide that, and live in the wilderness again, to be ”free”? Are we an emotionless creatures who can manipulate and trick love and promises, cheat on eternity, for the sole reason of feeling ”free” and feeling ”better”?

I guess one is sure: that more and more people are so careless, they just want an escape route, and they see things from their perspective only. Welcome to the individualistic 21st century, where people prefer to have freedom, where people prefer to have ”space” where fake truths and opinions are pushed to be an alternate truth, even though there is not such thing as an alternate truth, where people care more about the ”formal” side of love, and they associate love with actions, with how much you show, as if love is a corporate action, where if you don’t impress your manager you fail, and people don’t care about you, as if you have never existed after a while. Welcome to the world of disdain and regression and please don’t enjoy the ride but do something about it, no matter how busy you are. I know I will. And I know that my emotions and feelings will progress once again and with that, the world, even though it will be a very very painful process.

Everything goes back to the beginning?

But where did it all began? Was it when I was reading books about platonic love as a kid, and started forming my opinions about how should one true love look like and when and how can you recognise it? Do I have to look back even further, when I hardly remember anything and try my best to remember how I perceived love, go back to that blank state, and try to recreate it? What if I don’t want to go back to that place, because I know that if I do, my love will disappear and I don’t want that. To people that have felt love in its purest form, no matter what that form represents and how do they see it, love lasts forever. They recognise it from the very first moment. You know that you are truly in love when you look at the sky, at a blank point and you don’t think about anything else except her. When you see at cherry blossoms and you see her. When you can hear the sound of the waterfall despite people passing by around you and talking loudly. When you hug her and there is nothing but silence, and your heart is immediately filled with the entire world.

Life moves forward, people change, time heals everything, it was all destiny…

  1. Does life really move forward? In what direction? And how do we know that it was moving forward and not backwards? One might say, it moved forward because we are happier, healthier, live in a better place, have a better job etc. But what if, we already have felt that pinnacle of happiness? What is next? Better job, better place, travelling, doing what we want? Isn’t that all just a distraction when you don’t have the inner peace? Probably, because that silence when you hug her on a busy train station disappears. It’s long gone. You can feel it occasionally again, in your dreams maybe,  but you know that you can never have it again. It’s a blessing in disguise. So maybe life won’t move forward. I think that that’s a lie that people tell to themselves just to make their lives worthy.
  2. Now time for another lie, people change. Do they really? Or people are just saying that to justify their actions in front of someone they care about, to make them feel better? Yes people can learn new things and decide to add to their personality over time, accepting those new things, but that is rare, and hardly anyone does that fully.
  3. Time heals everything, but what if we were already healed? What if we feel worse? How can people feel the same things, feel the same love once again? How can they see the cherry blossoms with the same eyes again, and not think about their own words and their own promises that they have said years, months ago, that what is special, and endless might never seize? Does that mean that they are lying to themselves, therefore making their lives one big lie? And ultimately is time healing their lies only?
  4. It was all destiny, sadly ‘there is no such thing as destiny only different choices’ (The Number 23).

So many questions, and so little answers. Maybe my mind can try to find an answer, but my heart refuses to. It refuses to find a way out, probably because it was in that place called heaven on earth. Maybe it isn’t now, but something tells me it will always try to stay there, because the way out of there would mean being a hypocrite to its previous self, and it would mean watching the cherry blossoms with different eyes. And cherry blossoms are beautiful, they are one of a kind, and they can’t ever be seen with different eyes.

Hollow talk

Just a name of a song by Choir of Young Believers or is it just that? I wish it was just that. And I wish I had never felt that hollow talk. I wish I didn’t have to come to this place. Dark place, full of clouds, a place where nothing is clear, where your head wants to continue, but something more important tells you that you can’t move forward. Fast forward 5 years from now. I might have a better social status, I might have a better job, I might become the person I see myself as in 5 years, but will it be worth? I might be more satisfied,  but I won’t be happy. I might be free, but I won’t be dependent. I might be loved, but I will never love.Not as I did. Because we have only one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything we ever wanted, in one moment, will we capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem anyone? And it definitely slips away, that moment, that in my life was planned to last forever, because I know that in my mind, and in my heart that moment is forever captured, forever remembered and never forgotten. No pictures, no videos, just me and my memories that I will nurture and I will never let my mind forget them, I will never let my the emotions that my heart feels go away, vanish, as if they never were there. I can’t be a hypocrite to myself and let that happen.It definitely is painful. Many have said, you are young, you can’t possibly think like that, but it is possible, because I think I know myself pretty well. Darkness looms over me, and darkness is covering my entire room except the area in front of my laptop screen. Will light shine again as it did in the past 3 years? Will I ever be able to see beyond the darkness, and be able to live this life and be truly happy, on my own and dependent on myself only? Hardly probable, Is time the perfect healer? Again, hardly probable. The things that are sure are that I will have to start anew, learn to live this new kind of imposed life, one without my best friend, have many sleepless nights, be lonely, look at life from many angles, and have hollow talks with myself.

 

Machines are overrated

We are all becoming more and more aware of the fact, that nowadays, computers, cell phones, tablets are becoming the centre of our lives. Recently I read an article which was a great initiative against this new reality. Namely the article was about a law that France started implementing from this year, that will allow the employees to choose whether they want to check their work emails or check anything related with work on their cellphones past 13:00. The law also allowed the employees that on weekends they don’t have to check anything related with work, and get the necessary break. And furthermore, on vacations they also don’t have to check or manage anything work related. What was the reason behind implementing a law like this? Because a research showed that using cellphones most of the time lowers your productivity, using it when you are home for work, can cause problems in the relationship and with that cause stress.

Now, personally, this is a big step towards forming that balance that in my opinion is hugely lacking. Each day as I am walking somewhere I can see people bury their faces in their screens. Subways, work environment, restaurants, bars, waiting rooms, home, football stadiums etc. Fans of their favourite team are not following their team, but instead they are doing vlogs, watching the game through their little screen, and check their phones constantly instead of enjoying whatever they are watching. I can’t help but notice that and I can’t help but not being highly irritated. One may say, well it’s their lives and they can do whatever they want with them. But as many know, it’s not remotely simple. Our lives are connected, we can’t isolate ourselves. Even the perfect introvert is influenced somehow by the people around him, by the internet or in some other way.

As an optimist, and a perfectionist, I want a balance, I want to create that,  and I can sense that there is a great imbalance nowadays. And I believe that a huge contributor to that imbalance are the machines, and most importantly cell phones. I went to the store several days ago, and as per habit I didn’t bring my cellphone with me. I knew that in the scope of 20-30 minutes, nothing important will change, a message that I might get will be delivered regardless whether I am there or not thanks to my home router. As I entered the store, I noticed a couple checking a list on their cellphone about what to buy. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that. It’s just a utility that makes our lives more efficient. It saves us time. But in the grand scheme of things, doesn’t that add to that addiction? Isn’t that adding to the attachment to our cellphones and technology? Wouldn’t it be better if that couple discussed and had fun choosing things in the store, without having to follow the list. Yes they might have missed couple of items, but I don’t think that is so problematic.

In my opinion we are thinking less and less. And I am writing this hoping I won’t offend anyone, because that is not my intention. We are becoming too reliant on technology. And as most of us know, the Internet was created for a different purpose. It was created because the US Army needed a system with which they can communicate and send files more easily. The cellphones in the 90’s were created for their primary and for me necessary role, and that is to be able to talk with someone. Today, we are all witnesses that that is changing more and more rapidly. And we are becoming more and more attached.

How to balance things out? By going out. Randomly. Right now. By doing something that is not related to the online world. By painting something in the first given moment. By enhancing our creativity. By opening our minds to something new, something out of the everyday routine. By listening to a song that normally we wouldn’t listen. By seeing things around us, like a person with his backpack open walking on the street, and instead of staring at our facebook page at that moment, actually telling him that his backpack is open and helping him. By sitting on the front of some historic monument or a field, and just let our mind be free and remember that precious moment, that will create a memory, a beautiful one which we will remember for the rest of our lives, instead of taking a selfie that we can’t wait to upload so that the others can see it. In that moment it’s not about the others, it’s about us, it’s about our memories, and our adventures, and if the others want to experience it, they can either come with us and enjoy it, or they can wait for the story, because a story is worth more than 1000 pictures.

The wait

It’s another morning, another day that will be better than the previous one.

I am sure of that, because each day we should all strive for becoming a better version of ourselves.   Is it too much to ask for? Is it really that complicated that each day we do something different, we learn something new, we dedicate a minute, an hour to change something about ourselves that will make our lives better, that will improve our lives and bring more happiness and more joy to us and to people that surround us. Maybe some will say, well it’s a pressure, it’s a pressure to be told what to do, not to accept ”normality”, not to accept routine. But isn’t that the point of everything? The Theory of Everything? That we don’t take things for granted, that we escape our habits, and enjoy the beauty that life and this world offers us. Because life is indeed short. Yes we might reincarnate and live another life, and we might have lives many lives before this one, but this one is the one that matters. This one is the one that we have and that we are living every single day.   Why be trapped into the same cube, within the same walls, and within the same borders, within the same box? The funny thing is that people believe in the idea of democracy, that they are free and that their lives are at their best, when in fact they have to deal with stress daily, with going to the same work (which they probably don’t like), meeting the same people, going on the same vacation (not the same place) year after year, staring at their phones first thing in the morning instead of looking up at the sky, or looking at the face of their partners, and smile at them. So what is all of that if not some really weird and twisted illusion of freedom that people have. And the sad part is people actually like all of it. They have accepted that that is their reality. To be controlled by themselves. Maybe it’s easier to be controlled and live in that bubble, but life is hard, and it’s an adventure, it’s a challenge, and when we grow old, the first thing that we remember are our experiences., we reassemble our memories  and construct stories, stories that we tell our grand kids, or some other kid, and make their days positive, and make them smile. We don’t tell them how good our browsing experience was when we used our phones. We don’t tell them how many comments our Youtube channel had today, or how many pictures we uploaded today that received more than 50 likes. But it takes virtue to construct those stories. And the key for that and my word for today is patience. It takes time to enjoy those experiences first and dedicate time to really enjoy them when we were younger. What I am trying to say is that for many things we should wait. The waiting part makes the outcome of anything more beautiful, more intense, and more worth. It makes us think, it gives us ideas, we construct outcomes, and scenarios, and who knows, maybe because of those ideas and mental labyrinths that we access, maybe an idea arises and its created. Ideas are not born by filling our minds with loads and loads of unnecessary information each day, from media, to our jobs, to browsing the internet. As most may know, the Harry Potter books were created by Rowling being in a train, and just brain storming. That wait, where we allow our mind to enjoy and we give it freedom, is everything. Yes the 21st century is ore stressful than every, and yes things are set up in that way where we are confined by many factors, but we must do something to escape those chains, and make all of our lives better, not just ours. Because we are the architects or our lives and of our future. And for that we need to wait, and be patient and everything will be worth at the end. No matter what the outcome is. We will know that it’s the right outcome and the one that we have thought about and created and not some forced outcome.