The five and the newcomer

I have always said that life has its own ways of creating its history. And while on that actually the whole world has its magical way working like that. An actual collection of these stories, experiences and memories. Intertwined so beautifully even if at some point of life these emotions that a person emits might be considered painful and pessimistic, but at a different point in life, your whole body screams that you are happy and the most important thing is that you can feel it. You can feel when the rush comes, and you know that you are on the right path. You know inside you that life is again interesting.

And no my ex roommate, as much as you and the popular culture believes or its taught to believe, we are not the only ones responsible for our happiness. That undermines our emotions and disrespects all the people that at some point brought pain/displease/turbulence/comfort/happiness in our lives. You are an architect of your life yes, but you can’t exist on your own. From many many times ago, the key for everything and the key for people surviving is that they learnt how to help each other. How to be more efficient by working together. A technique that is commonly applied everywhere nowadays. People care about people. People help people, and people make other people happy. It’s what makes this life beautiful and interesting. And even if when it happens it takes you unprepared, just enjoy it. And so it begins the story of the newcomer definitely more than just your casual roommate/newcomer.

It was the day of Tuesday. Just your casual Tuesday, far from Friday. The difference, I was about to meet my new roommate. A female. And yes, I won’t lie, I do prefer living with someone good looking. What can I do, I am a selective bastard. One of my peculiarities. Because if she is good looking everything changes. Because the actual conversation changes. Because you pick your words, you think you listen to her more with greater attention. It comes naturally. Yes you should treat everyone the same and yes I can be good to everyone, but at the end, if there is the possibility to go out with this person to have some fun to enjoy your company, I do prefer that she is good looking.

So here I am, a casual tired bloke that returns back home, with not so high or hopes at all in that sense. With a thought that I will after a month be able to live with someone once again, because yes living by yourself is nice, but when you don’t share anything with anyone, the house is just a house empty 4 walls. As I enter, I see her look. Not so dangerous. For the better. Or for the worse. Because I know myself and I know that I can easily fall on those kinds of looks. Restless but so passionate, a different kind of passion that I am slowly having the possibility to unravel and get to know better. My instant reading of the people commences, and based on the duration of it, I know what to expect. If I want to “read” her more and know her more, I know whether I can be in “trouble” or not. And I perfectly know that now is the “dangerous” time, a turning point in my life where I have to decide what is the next challenge. So yes, I meet Giulia, and I instantly notice that she is definitely not like the others. Beautiful name, serene, with an amazing tranquility around her, with that sexiness that is not aggressive, but it’s so seductive. With that feminine low pitched voice, which is one of the many various beauties at women.

What’s a gentleman to do, I must be on my highest level, I must care about everything, and be more. Because when you try to impress, even if maybe it’s wrong to think, but it’s normal that you do want to impress people that you like especially at the beginning. A short 30 minutes talk on the first day. And for the first time after quite some time, I want more of her and more of her stories. Not necessarily because I find her beautiful and I am interested. But because she is different, she is an amazing person, and she is smart. And she catches your attention. For a picky emotional person like myself, that is important. When it happens, it fills me and it’s like a catalyst. A catalyst for change.

Fast forward a bit, I get to know her more on Wednesday, way more, and I get out to have a burger on Thursday night with a couple of friends. Funny enough detail but I still don’t have her number. I reserved a table for Friday night for 6 people, me, my 4 friends, and my roommate. Without asking her, but something inside me screaming that  she will accept the invitation. I got home on Thursday at around 22:30, and I hoped that she will up so that I can officially invite her. It didn’t happen and I found out the next day that she had a headache. So, there I am on Friday morning now knowing her number, and not still not having invited her. I am about to leave for work, and then after work directly go to the place. So, my old school me has to take initiative. I grab a sticky note, a pen, and I start writing out the invitation together with my number, hopeful that she will write during the day. She accepts the invitation, and obviously I am excited.

The night was spectacular, from the walk with her, to her actual meeting my friends, to every single conversation, to every single joke. And for a guy that lives more on the serious side of life, seeing all of that and all that atmosphere is amazing. Now that I am recalling the situations and the moments from yesterday, I can conclude that it was really magical. There is something in the Friday Milan nights and the aperitivo. Something that can’t be very well described. Something that begins, something with a soul and with a meaning.

That is exactly how I felt yesterday, that something started. As of now, and as it’s normal, that something is not very well defined. And it makes my life more interesting. It’s an amazing how a newcomer can change so much in such a short time.  And I am lucky enough to be able to see her on a daily basis. C’est la Vie

 

 

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The story of the two birthdays and people’s behaviour.

There is something incredibly strange and fascinating when an Introvert finds himself/herself surrounded by plenty of Extroverts. At moments the person can feel incredibly overwhelmed and lost, but an incredible experience can be drawn and felt from a night/day like my day yesterday. As I predicted before the actual day, yesterday was all about surprises and trying to manage and adapt to a circle of people that are different, that are unlike me. I had no idea, that it would be as ”complicated” and as impromptu. Especially the second birthday that I was unsure I will be going to.

The first one, a quite relaxing one, with one of my closest friends, and the atmosphere was peaceful and understanding. Nothing too special and not many surprises. Just 4 friends + one sheepshagger obviously born in Wales. As it goes, the sheepshagger, a pretty cool person, always used sarcasm. At a point even I wanted to take a break from the immense usage of sarcasm and humor, even though I enjoyed the conversation quite a lot. From Black Holes, to White Russians, to Area 51, to CERN to why Welsh people are called sheepshaggers to an imitation of how Englishmen drink their tea. Totally new experience all in all. After that, a small break, a pause before the hurricane. A walk around Como (city in northern Italy) with an autumn jacket, on a cold weather. Luckily the sweater and the shirt were enough for me to feel warm and to feel the magic feeling that cold weather brings. Cold weather brings so many emotions, and it activates your mind in that special way. Especially if you are an introvert.

As me and my friends were coming back, by train, along lightless small towns between Como and Milan, I am asking my friend whether we are going to the second birthday, and he categorically says no who cares. At that moment I lose my will and interest as well to go. And then a phonecall, from the girl that was organizing the second birthday. She called my friend, and as he can’t say no in his life, he changes his mind just like that, and just like that I realize while she is talking to her that we are going. And something weird happens. I feel better and happier, even though I am by nature an Introvert and I don’t care so much about birthdays as much. But this second one was a tricky one. I knew that 2 girls (at least) will be present that I have a short history with and maybe just maybe a what I predict a short to at most medium-length history with one of them, or who knows maybe the two of them, in different periods of life.

Now the history part. The first story dates 4 years ago, from when one of the girls found out that I listen to Tiziano Ferro, and she became interested in me. At first, like the arrogant bastard I am at times, I had almost no interest in her. And then after a period of time, as it happens, our lives took different paths. I got married (and luckily divorced), she got a boyfriend, a bit of flirting initiated by her 2 years ago, a missed encounter in Florence where she claims that I saw her and ignored her, a moment I tried convinced her, I was totally unaware of. A moment that she reminds me of everytime she sees me, and because of the fact she reminds me of it, convinces me that she does hold a grudge about it for a reason. And I am sure she wouldn’t if she didn’t have at least a crush for me. The second story, a really short one with the second girl, dates from 5-6 months ago, when I occasionally met this girl, that at first glance (and second and third), seemed shy, had looks that I easily fall for, and a height decent enough for me, which I also fall for. It was just a brief encounter, an encounter after which I was sure she wouldn’t remind me, because I was tired, not so interested in anything, with long hair and not so nicely dressed, unlike her, that was ready for a night out, for an aperitivo, with her friends. After the invitation from her friend, the one that had the birthday yesterday, to hang out with them I had to say no, because first I was tired, second I was as described before, not ready for that. And something told me that for her, I had to be ready. I was not mistaken. I just said to myself back then, that I have to wait for another opportunity to present myself as I know and start from there. As we all know history is quite important.

To continue my story after that history bit, there I was, heading with my friend to a neighborhood that I knew, close to where I recently moved out from, a decent Milan neighbourhood. Curious about what will happen next and planning things even before I saw anyone at that birthday. Finally we arrive there. I am now regretting that I am wearing my black sneaker shoes that I use normally when I go to the gym. Because I know that I will be on the spot. Wrongly so maybe but it is how the things function in Italy, fashion and style is very important, which is normal. First encounter, with the girl that I have more history with. Immediately I can notice that she changes her mood when I enter and starts telling her friend (the one that organizes the birthday) something. Now, maybe I am self-centered, and at moments I am, but I think that I can still notice these type of things and I can read people quite well. And the night starts to unveil it’s complicated cloth. A normal conversation, that has to pass with a beer and some chips as its the case on birthdays. At least birthdays organized by people at that age. Actually that part of the night was more stable and more beautiful, just 6 people at that point, not so much crowd, a conversation that was lead by all, and all can join it. And then, people started arriving one by one. The atmosphere is becoming dense, it is becoming less entertaining and more individualistic. It’s not a unity anymore, the hypothetical unity is formed from lots of different stories that are led between the participants, stories that will probably be forgotten by some and that little magic that was present before, will never be replicated and will be forgotten as well. As time passes, I happen to know more and more people, that to be honest I have no interest it, because they are plain. Wow, what I snobby way of putting it and saying that right away about people you are just seeing. A kind reminder, I can read people pretty well, and I am sure that others are like that. It’s not a sign of arrogance, it’s a sort of a bad talent, or a bad habit. Diverse people, theoretical IT non practitioner guy (What? That exists?), and a lots of people studying design or architecture. And there she is, the second girl, finally she arrives. This is when the night becomes interesting and more complicated. As I predicted. She congratulates the birthday girl, and I could see her marvelous eyes wandering around the small room. As she is becoming a bit tired from looking at all of the people around her, her eyes lighten as she sees me. Just for a second. But that second is quite crucial. You either notice that moment, or you don’t. And it’s quite important if you notice it. It tells you a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder whether my life would be less complicated if didn’t have that ability to notice that. There she was, a little confused, but she sits next to me. Like it’s a general rule, like it is meant to be like that. After the initial getting to know each other, I can tell that she probably doesn’t remember me, but she does want to get to know me, more than she wants to get to know others, because I am different now, different than that night 5-6 months ago. And I have mixed feelings right away. Mixed because, she is different. She thinks that she is above others. Her style, the way she speaks indicates that, the way she becomes boring if you don’t entertain her. So more or less similar to me. And things wouldn’t be fun if they are not complicated. Complicated because that behaviour is the behaviour that I am attracted to. At the same time I want that she is less extroverted. But I can notice while talking to her, and looking at her eyes, distanced 20 cm away or so, that she is actually timid. She is shy around me, she is reserved, and she wants to get to know me more. Which is all nice. But there is that feeling, that is there after the night, that she might be too different. Too extroverted. But at the same time something tells me that I will see her again, and I might have something with her. What, I can’t say that right now. Whether I will, it doesn’t depend just on me. Lots of different factors are in place. Whilst the night was passing, at one moment I could tell I am at the center of attention. And it happened suddenly. I started speaking in English, and then as if everyone wanted to get to know me. And even though it flatters me, I hate to be in that position. Because from when I was young, I hated having to dedicate attention to all. Because it’s not possible. Because it’s just a waste of time for me. And people’s behaviour is strange in that sense. Before that moment, before I started speaking English, I was the stranger, After that, I could tell that all their eyes were focused on me. Maybe because I have that effect on people. Maybe because I have that way of getting people interested in me, especially women/girls. A passive way, which proved in the past to be effective. What matters is that I was not prepared for that part as well. After a while I was quickly tired, and as it was nearing 23:00, I became really tired and I needed a smoke. At the end, when me and two of my friends left, I hugged the girl that I have more history with, and I looked the second girl, as she stood up and our eyes met again as many times that night.

My instincts are entangled now, and I have to rely on them to know how to proceed. Or I can just wait and see what happens in the future. Something will, something always does. What, only time, our actions coupled with our previous actions and history will tell.

 

Extroverts love summer, Introverts love winter, ones complete the other ones, light and fire must complete each other, yin and yang as well, Englishmen and sheepshaggers for sure.

Init_0

Everything ends? Or everything begins? Two questions that will haunt me in the next chapter of my life that follows. Will I ever reach that phase where everything will be forgotten,  will I ever reach the top of the spiritual mountain, a mountain with one person climbing it. Yes you have guessed it right, myself. For the past 3 years and so, I was climbing the mountain called life which for me is tightly intertwined with another mountain called love. Or maybe love can be defined as a volcano. A volcano that never stops with its eruptions. That volcano is finally gone. I can’t be burned once again. I can’t, because I know that that fire will never be there again. My heart will never love anyone as it loved her. Anna Elizabeth. The two names I instantly felt in love with. From the moment she introduced herself. I liked those names and I know that they will mean everything to me. I knew that from the very first days I was in love with her. I was falling in love gently, rapidly, but it was unsurprising because I knew that it will happen. My heart knew that she was the one I have been waiting for, from the very first moments. From the very first moments I saw her green eyes. I trusted her, I cried for her, and I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. She was my cherry blossom, my favourite flower, she was the river that never stops, an eternal flame that can never be contained or extinguished. My heart got the confirmation that she I made the right choice, from the very first time I hugged her. It’s not easy to love, but it was easy to love her. It was easy to feel home with her, because she was my home. She instantly became my only family that I always needed.

And now there is that steep mountain. A mountain that has many narrow cliffs. Cliffs from which I am destined to fall and maybe never get up again. Endless abyss from which I can only see darkness and nothing more. And nothing else will ever matter again, because the darkness will cover me entirely. Even though I am a warrior of the light (“Paulo Coelho”). Like in the Pandoras box, there will only remain hope. And maybe not even that. It will be my box, my demise that will trap me and from which I might not escape. It will be a box inside a bigger box called life and I will be in a state of limbo. Time will seem endless and I will chained in the purgatory with only myself and maybe if I am lucky my mind. Without my heart and maybe without my sanity. I will go back to the introverted, arrogant me and I will know that this time she will not be there to see through that facade, she won’t be there to save me from myself.

Init_0 started today, the 18th of March 2017.

Hollow talk

Just a name of a song by Choir of Young Believers or is it just that? I wish it was just that. And I wish I had never felt that hollow talk. I wish I didn’t have to come to this place. Dark place, full of clouds, a place where nothing is clear, where your head wants to continue, but something more important tells you that you can’t move forward. Fast forward 5 years from now. I might have a better social status, I might have a better job, I might become the person I see myself as in 5 years, but will it be worth? I might be more satisfied,  but I won’t be happy. I might be free, but I won’t be dependent. I might be loved, but I will never love.Not as I did. Because we have only one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything we ever wanted, in one moment, will we capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem anyone? And it definitely slips away, that moment, that in my life was planned to last forever, because I know that in my mind, and in my heart that moment is forever captured, forever remembered and never forgotten. No pictures, no videos, just me and my memories that I will nurture and I will never let my mind forget them, I will never let my the emotions that my heart feels go away, vanish, as if they never were there. I can’t be a hypocrite to myself and let that happen.It definitely is painful. Many have said, you are young, you can’t possibly think like that, but it is possible, because I think I know myself pretty well. Darkness looms over me, and darkness is covering my entire room except the area in front of my laptop screen. Will light shine again as it did in the past 3 years? Will I ever be able to see beyond the darkness, and be able to live this life and be truly happy, on my own and dependent on myself only? Hardly probable, Is time the perfect healer? Again, hardly probable. The things that are sure are that I will have to start anew, learn to live this new kind of imposed life, one without my best friend, have many sleepless nights, be lonely, look at life from many angles, and have hollow talks with myself.

 

Loving the world through loving yourself

I want to start my Sunday post by saying thank you to my best friends, which I respect immensely, and which helped me in numerous occasions, through words only, through their side of life, through their views and understandings. Those friends that you can get up in the middle of the night to keep you company, ask them to go on a walk with you without giving them any reason to, understanding you, and even if they don’t say anything they say much. Sadly, one of the two, is not near me so that I can bother more at the moment, but luckily I was lucky enough to have met him, and to maintain that understanding that is pretty rare, on a greater level, on a level where we can agree about our disagreements, and surprise ourselves sometimes by thinking about the same exact idea or finding out that some of our definitions about life, love, the world are the same. Hopefully, they will read this one day, and they will enjoy recognise themselves, it will mean something to them, and they will remember parts of this digital scribble, if not the whole thing.

To continue, as we all know, life is hard. It gets even harder when you feel that the unity that you taught is eternal it was still of this world, human, and with an expiration date.. When the one that you thought was happy with you and can’t live without you, feels trapped and wants freedom, when the one that you were saying to I want to do all of the things with you, no matter what it is, out of love, and because she was your everything, doesn’t want that, and wants to do things by herself, and treats you weird and rejects that idea of being with one another constantly. Maybe some are too self-centred, and need that freedom, and can’t get past that idea of giving part of their freedom to that other person that they claim they care and love so much. Maybe they can’t modify their lives, make small tweaks that will ultimately make their lives fulfilled, because they are doing the things that makes the unity happy instead of the individual. Maybe it’s unimaginable for some people to function like this, because nowadays, people are more and more raised to think individually. When someone can’t see the bigger picture, and see beyond that, transcend that field, that person is trapped, confined, and living within his/her limits, too afraid to realise what is right, and too afraid to make a change, or be open to a change.

Luckily there are people out there, that are seeing the world positively, they see love as a revelation, as a sacred thing, as a superlative feeling, as the feelings above all feelings, and that love must start from the love within you, your inner self and everything you represent. The love that you have for yourself, transmits into others and makes their lives more beautiful, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t possibly love others, you don’t know the feeling, and you can’t look for the same thing in others, and seek their love, if love as a variable is unknown to you. Everything comes to an end one day, everything except love, and even though life is hard, harder when you feel that that sacred love is getting unidirectional, you mustn’t forget things, you mustn’t remain the best version of yourself that you know, and move forward, because that love will always be there, the love within yourself, and the love towards someone, despite everything will not be wasted, it will remain on the highest step of the mountain called life, and it will stay there, forever, and it will never die, because it was, it is, and it will always be,infinite.

 

An inevitable women tribute

8th of March, Wednesday morning, listening to Dido. What a special day. A day we should all celebrate with all the women we know, or at least write to them, because it means so much to them. From what I’ve witnessed throughout my life so far, it means a lot more to a woman to receive whatever sign of affection than to a man. And that is completely normal. Of course today is the official day, or the mainstream one, but we should be every day remembered that women hold an equal right as men in this world. History showed us that women didn’t receive the same rights as they do nowadays. We all know that history shouldn’t be forgotten, but that is history and we should live in the present and future and I am so happy to have witnessed  that change, read about that change that allows us all equal rights in every sphere. Of course, there are still many cases and situations where things should improve. Many countries where women still receive lower salaries  men, or they are not as respected at their work, or not enough respected at home even. Many countries where women are afraid to voice and share their opinion and to freely speak. And in 2017, to still witness and see that is quite sad. But we must know that the hardest thing to change in life is our culture. It requires hundreds of years, many books, positive thinking, even posts like this one are all contributing to changing that culture and making our world a better place.  And we should all do that. We all should be aware that women are special.

Furthermore, I like to add, that in my opinion women are the more gentle gender. The more beautiful one and the more serene one. I will probably always think that. There is a certain and a huge beauty about women that men will never reach, Their smile,  kindness, honesty, pureness, are all beauties that make this life beautiful and that lights this world up. It’s not a coincidence that that greatest feeling in the world is to feel that women’s love, to reach her hear, and to feel and witness her emotions towards you. It’s a great feeling to look at a woman in her eyes, and recognise that beauty, that pure and inside beauty that in my opinion only women truly have. Yes men can be gentle too, and yes they are beautiful in their own way too, but there is just that something, that is naturally different.

To finish, this is for all of you, first and more importantly for women, not just because of today, but because of every other day of the year, you are making our lives special, you are a key ingredient to our lives, you are the beauty in this world, you are beautiful. You deserve so much and so much more, because you bring that special beauty in this vast world. That is rare, that is irreplaceable and that is a great virtue. And for men, please respect all of the women around you, help them, take care of them, but last and not least, look at their eyes, hold them and hug them, and tell them they are special, words are enough. If you can, give them a flower on this day, not just on this day. Give them the symbol of femininity, Or maybe something else if you please.  The material gifts or presents are not at all important.

Lastly to all the women out there, enjoy, and be proud of everything you have achieved, and know that you are grand.

Late morning

What is it, that makes our lives co complicated? Why can only some of us see beyond, and why are only some of us prepare to listen, but not just listen because they were told to but really listen and understand?

As I drinking my late morning coffee I am realising more and more that the crucial confusion nowadays is the lack of balance. People, societies are lacking that balance that will allow them to comprehend problems better and treat problems or details and life better. What kind of a balance is it? It’s a complex idea, that can be described by many differently. For me that balance consists of several ”concepts” like: love (first towards ourselves and then others), happiness that should come through love and not materialistic values and possessions , intelligence (whatever types of it). Now there are surely other ”concepts” that I can’t remember at this moment, but those 3 hold the keys to life, to making it worthy, and liveable. Many might say, but life can be lived in different ways, but is that really the case? Aren’t we all following a very similar path, supervised by many in our lives, that must follow rules, manners, ideas, systems, must respect others (sometimes falsely), otherwise society looks at us differently, it ”condemns” us, and it renders us, different. We are being told that  we have all the freedom to do whatever we want, yet we all tend to follow that similar path, work jobs that we really don’t want, stay in relationships we don’t really feel the need for, be mature, be yourself. So where is the hurdle, where is the switch, from those years where we were told to be ourselves, that we can make everything by ourselves to be similar to others? First of all, the problem in that is that many nowadays believe in that individualism. And yes individualism is needed. But not full. Individualism should not prevail. No matter how hard the system pushes that idea to us. That we have to be responsible for ourselves that our lives are our lives and we are the masters of our ”destiny”. There is not such thing as destiny anyways only different choices. Our lives, from the moments we are born are dependent on others. And it’s in our nature, and it makes us feel better, to be dependent on others. And I am not referring to the financial dependency. I am writing about the bonds that we create form when we are born. Human bonds, emotional bonds that create that beauty in our lives, bonds that without, we are mare unknowns in a vast world. It’s not a coincidence that the thing that brings us the highest joy and happiness in life is when we meet our soulmate. Because she/he can understand us the best. Because through him/her, we share every other bond so far, every experience we have had, every moment of magic of our lives, we combine it with theirs. And we create something. Something unforgettable, something special and endless. But we must not forget, those are not only our experiences, our magic, it’s all of ours. The lessons in life that we learn are combined, and our views are not just our views they are affected. That being said, that’s the first and biggest reason why can we live our lives successfully. The moment we achieve and have that balance with someone we are the people from when we were kids. And we know that we think and we learn the most when we are in that ”state”. Sadly, nowadays rarely someone believes in that. I keep seeing, hearing people that claim that it’s ok to be in open relationships, that there is nothing wrong with that, I keep seeing people that marry just because they want to be socially known and recognised. They pass knowledge, ideas, life, to their kids, and they are busy of it, they are tired, of their lives, they are too busy to dedicate the time they have, that we all have, to teaching their kids valuable lessons, by mainly just being with them. And there it is again, the lack of balance. That again comes through loving and believing in ourselves as people, that again comes from our parents and society, and then loving our one partner that we choose to share our world with. In a world where, people say I love you to each other just for the sake of it, at time where people are so insecure about their lives, about their beauty as people, insecure about their looks, positions in life, at time where they lack motivation, courage, confidence, it’s no coincidence that at that same time, people lack greatly love, and through that balance. All of them are linked, and they can never be broken. Because that is what makes this morning beautiful, that is what makes us people beautiful, the ability to love ourselves, share that love with all, and love that one person that is the person we trust the most from the moment we see them in the void, from the moment we first say hello to them. Balance in all things.