The five and the newcomer

I have always said that life has its own ways of creating its history. And while on that actually the whole world has its magical way working like that. An actual collection of these stories, experiences and memories. Intertwined so beautifully even if at some point of life these emotions that a person emits might be considered painful and pessimistic, but at a different point in life, your whole body screams that you are happy and the most important thing is that you can feel it. You can feel when the rush comes, and you know that you are on the right path. You know inside you that life is again interesting.

And no my ex roommate, as much as you and the popular culture believes or its taught to believe, we are not the only ones responsible for our happiness. That undermines our emotions and disrespects all the people that at some point brought pain/displease/turbulence/comfort/happiness in our lives. You are an architect of your life yes, but you can’t exist on your own. From many many times ago, the key for everything and the key for people surviving is that they learnt how to help each other. How to be more efficient by working together. A technique that is commonly applied everywhere nowadays. People care about people. People help people, and people make other people happy. It’s what makes this life beautiful and interesting. And even if when it happens it takes you unprepared, just enjoy it. And so it begins the story of the newcomer definitely more than just your casual roommate/newcomer.

It was the day of Tuesday. Just your casual Tuesday, far from Friday. The difference, I was about to meet my new roommate. A female. And yes, I won’t lie, I do prefer living with someone good looking. What can I do, I am a selective bastard. One of my peculiarities. Because if she is good looking everything changes. Because the actual conversation changes. Because you pick your words, you think you listen to her more with greater attention. It comes naturally. Yes you should treat everyone the same and yes I can be good to everyone, but at the end, if there is the possibility to go out with this person to have some fun to enjoy your company, I do prefer that she is good looking.

So here I am, a casual tired bloke that returns back home, with not so high or hopes at all in that sense. With a thought that I will after a month be able to live with someone once again, because yes living by yourself is nice, but when you don’t share anything with anyone, the house is just a house empty 4 walls. As I enter, I see her look. Not so dangerous. For the better. Or for the worse. Because I know myself and I know that I can easily fall on those kinds of looks. Restless but so passionate, a different kind of passion that I am slowly having the possibility to unravel and get to know better. My instant reading of the people commences, and based on the duration of it, I know what to expect. If I want to “read” her more and know her more, I know whether I can be in “trouble” or not. And I perfectly know that now is the “dangerous” time, a turning point in my life where I have to decide what is the next challenge. So yes, I meet Giulia, and I instantly notice that she is definitely not like the others. Beautiful name, serene, with an amazing tranquility around her, with that sexiness that is not aggressive, but it’s so seductive. With that feminine low pitched voice, which is one of the many various beauties at women.

What’s a gentleman to do, I must be on my highest level, I must care about everything, and be more. Because when you try to impress, even if maybe it’s wrong to think, but it’s normal that you do want to impress people that you like especially at the beginning. A short 30 minutes talk on the first day. And for the first time after quite some time, I want more of her and more of her stories. Not necessarily because I find her beautiful and I am interested. But because she is different, she is an amazing person, and she is smart. And she catches your attention. For a picky emotional person like myself, that is important. When it happens, it fills me and it’s like a catalyst. A catalyst for change.

Fast forward a bit, I get to know her more on Wednesday, way more, and I get out to have a burger on Thursday night with a couple of friends. Funny enough detail but I still don’t have her number. I reserved a table for Friday night for 6 people, me, my 4 friends, and my roommate. Without asking her, but something inside me screaming that  she will accept the invitation. I got home on Thursday at around 22:30, and I hoped that she will up so that I can officially invite her. It didn’t happen and I found out the next day that she had a headache. So, there I am on Friday morning now knowing her number, and not still not having invited her. I am about to leave for work, and then after work directly go to the place. So, my old school me has to take initiative. I grab a sticky note, a pen, and I start writing out the invitation together with my number, hopeful that she will write during the day. She accepts the invitation, and obviously I am excited.

The night was spectacular, from the walk with her, to her actual meeting my friends, to every single conversation, to every single joke. And for a guy that lives more on the serious side of life, seeing all of that and all that atmosphere is amazing. Now that I am recalling the situations and the moments from yesterday, I can conclude that it was really magical. There is something in the Friday Milan nights and the aperitivo. Something that can’t be very well described. Something that begins, something with a soul and with a meaning.

That is exactly how I felt yesterday, that something started. As of now, and as it’s normal, that something is not very well defined. And it makes my life more interesting. It’s an amazing how a newcomer can change so much in such a short time.  And I am lucky enough to be able to see her on a daily basis. C’est la Vie

 

 

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The story of the two birthdays and people’s behaviour.

There is something incredibly strange and fascinating when an Introvert finds himself/herself surrounded by plenty of Extroverts. At moments the person can feel incredibly overwhelmed and lost, but an incredible experience can be drawn and felt from a night/day like my day yesterday. As I predicted before the actual day, yesterday was all about surprises and trying to manage and adapt to a circle of people that are different, that are unlike me. I had no idea, that it would be as ”complicated” and as impromptu. Especially the second birthday that I was unsure I will be going to.

The first one, a quite relaxing one, with one of my closest friends, and the atmosphere was peaceful and understanding. Nothing too special and not many surprises. Just 4 friends + one sheepshagger obviously born in Wales. As it goes, the sheepshagger, a pretty cool person, always used sarcasm. At a point even I wanted to take a break from the immense usage of sarcasm and humor, even though I enjoyed the conversation quite a lot. From Black Holes, to White Russians, to Area 51, to CERN to why Welsh people are called sheepshaggers to an imitation of how Englishmen drink their tea. Totally new experience all in all. After that, a small break, a pause before the hurricane. A walk around Como (city in northern Italy) with an autumn jacket, on a cold weather. Luckily the sweater and the shirt were enough for me to feel warm and to feel the magic feeling that cold weather brings. Cold weather brings so many emotions, and it activates your mind in that special way. Especially if you are an introvert.

As me and my friends were coming back, by train, along lightless small towns between Como and Milan, I am asking my friend whether we are going to the second birthday, and he categorically says no who cares. At that moment I lose my will and interest as well to go. And then a phonecall, from the girl that was organizing the second birthday. She called my friend, and as he can’t say no in his life, he changes his mind just like that, and just like that I realize while she is talking to her that we are going. And something weird happens. I feel better and happier, even though I am by nature an Introvert and I don’t care so much about birthdays as much. But this second one was a tricky one. I knew that 2 girls (at least) will be present that I have a short history with and maybe just maybe a what I predict a short to at most medium-length history with one of them, or who knows maybe the two of them, in different periods of life.

Now the history part. The first story dates 4 years ago, from when one of the girls found out that I listen to Tiziano Ferro, and she became interested in me. At first, like the arrogant bastard I am at times, I had almost no interest in her. And then after a period of time, as it happens, our lives took different paths. I got married (and luckily divorced), she got a boyfriend, a bit of flirting initiated by her 2 years ago, a missed encounter in Florence where she claims that I saw her and ignored her, a moment I tried convinced her, I was totally unaware of. A moment that she reminds me of everytime she sees me, and because of the fact she reminds me of it, convinces me that she does hold a grudge about it for a reason. And I am sure she wouldn’t if she didn’t have at least a crush for me. The second story, a really short one with the second girl, dates from 5-6 months ago, when I occasionally met this girl, that at first glance (and second and third), seemed shy, had looks that I easily fall for, and a height decent enough for me, which I also fall for. It was just a brief encounter, an encounter after which I was sure she wouldn’t remind me, because I was tired, not so interested in anything, with long hair and not so nicely dressed, unlike her, that was ready for a night out, for an aperitivo, with her friends. After the invitation from her friend, the one that had the birthday yesterday, to hang out with them I had to say no, because first I was tired, second I was as described before, not ready for that. And something told me that for her, I had to be ready. I was not mistaken. I just said to myself back then, that I have to wait for another opportunity to present myself as I know and start from there. As we all know history is quite important.

To continue my story after that history bit, there I was, heading with my friend to a neighborhood that I knew, close to where I recently moved out from, a decent Milan neighbourhood. Curious about what will happen next and planning things even before I saw anyone at that birthday. Finally we arrive there. I am now regretting that I am wearing my black sneaker shoes that I use normally when I go to the gym. Because I know that I will be on the spot. Wrongly so maybe but it is how the things function in Italy, fashion and style is very important, which is normal. First encounter, with the girl that I have more history with. Immediately I can notice that she changes her mood when I enter and starts telling her friend (the one that organizes the birthday) something. Now, maybe I am self-centered, and at moments I am, but I think that I can still notice these type of things and I can read people quite well. And the night starts to unveil it’s complicated cloth. A normal conversation, that has to pass with a beer and some chips as its the case on birthdays. At least birthdays organized by people at that age. Actually that part of the night was more stable and more beautiful, just 6 people at that point, not so much crowd, a conversation that was lead by all, and all can join it. And then, people started arriving one by one. The atmosphere is becoming dense, it is becoming less entertaining and more individualistic. It’s not a unity anymore, the hypothetical unity is formed from lots of different stories that are led between the participants, stories that will probably be forgotten by some and that little magic that was present before, will never be replicated and will be forgotten as well. As time passes, I happen to know more and more people, that to be honest I have no interest it, because they are plain. Wow, what I snobby way of putting it and saying that right away about people you are just seeing. A kind reminder, I can read people pretty well, and I am sure that others are like that. It’s not a sign of arrogance, it’s a sort of a bad talent, or a bad habit. Diverse people, theoretical IT non practitioner guy (What? That exists?), and a lots of people studying design or architecture. And there she is, the second girl, finally she arrives. This is when the night becomes interesting and more complicated. As I predicted. She congratulates the birthday girl, and I could see her marvelous eyes wandering around the small room. As she is becoming a bit tired from looking at all of the people around her, her eyes lighten as she sees me. Just for a second. But that second is quite crucial. You either notice that moment, or you don’t. And it’s quite important if you notice it. It tells you a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder whether my life would be less complicated if didn’t have that ability to notice that. There she was, a little confused, but she sits next to me. Like it’s a general rule, like it is meant to be like that. After the initial getting to know each other, I can tell that she probably doesn’t remember me, but she does want to get to know me, more than she wants to get to know others, because I am different now, different than that night 5-6 months ago. And I have mixed feelings right away. Mixed because, she is different. She thinks that she is above others. Her style, the way she speaks indicates that, the way she becomes boring if you don’t entertain her. So more or less similar to me. And things wouldn’t be fun if they are not complicated. Complicated because that behaviour is the behaviour that I am attracted to. At the same time I want that she is less extroverted. But I can notice while talking to her, and looking at her eyes, distanced 20 cm away or so, that she is actually timid. She is shy around me, she is reserved, and she wants to get to know me more. Which is all nice. But there is that feeling, that is there after the night, that she might be too different. Too extroverted. But at the same time something tells me that I will see her again, and I might have something with her. What, I can’t say that right now. Whether I will, it doesn’t depend just on me. Lots of different factors are in place. Whilst the night was passing, at one moment I could tell I am at the center of attention. And it happened suddenly. I started speaking in English, and then as if everyone wanted to get to know me. And even though it flatters me, I hate to be in that position. Because from when I was young, I hated having to dedicate attention to all. Because it’s not possible. Because it’s just a waste of time for me. And people’s behaviour is strange in that sense. Before that moment, before I started speaking English, I was the stranger, After that, I could tell that all their eyes were focused on me. Maybe because I have that effect on people. Maybe because I have that way of getting people interested in me, especially women/girls. A passive way, which proved in the past to be effective. What matters is that I was not prepared for that part as well. After a while I was quickly tired, and as it was nearing 23:00, I became really tired and I needed a smoke. At the end, when me and two of my friends left, I hugged the girl that I have more history with, and I looked the second girl, as she stood up and our eyes met again as many times that night.

My instincts are entangled now, and I have to rely on them to know how to proceed. Or I can just wait and see what happens in the future. Something will, something always does. What, only time, our actions coupled with our previous actions and history will tell.

 

Extroverts love summer, Introverts love winter, ones complete the other ones, light and fire must complete each other, yin and yang as well, Englishmen and sheepshaggers for sure.

To consistent writing and quality

Sunday morning. Cloudy sky. After a long needed break I finally have the motivation and the passion to write again. And from my experience that is one of the best feelings in life. Feeling that many lack for whatever reasons. I can finally breathe again and feel myself again. I had to take that needed break to liberate myself from the shadow that was encompassing me and that was interfering with my daily life. I had to deal with many things since the time I last wrote my last post, and it was a busy period, but it was worth it. Constantly trying to maintain balance between a life supposedly meant to be, a life planned, and life that is constantly happening around me, not real life, because people often misrepresent what real life is, but real life as in life at the moment, life that I can feel, despite at times not being fully focused on it (even though I despise myself when I am not fully focused on something, anything), but it was life that helped me go through that burden and through that confusion of what will the future hold for me. And the future now looks better, even though I am single. It looks more clear and I can grasp it more. When you can feel it, and when you know that you prefer that one more, than the one you were going to live for someone else, you realise that your current life, and your current track and path that you are walking daily, is the right one.

I can’t deny that the past months were not hard. Lots of cigarettes smoked, lots of cigarettes partially smoked, no alcohol or something more contagious luckily. The cigarettes actually helped me in that period, to clear my sea of thoughts the tempest that was imminent, that at times happened and was created out of the shadows. That same shadow I mentioned before maybe. And even if I despise cigarettes this time they really helped me. Or maybe it was just a placebo effect. Nevertheless, I am liberated, maybe not 100% because the past can’t be completely forgotten, otherwise, you are being a hypocrite to yourself. You may wonder how do I know that I am feeling better? How does one know when he/she reaches that phase and can move on? If you find yourself doing the daily tasks that you enjoy and that make you smile, you are on the right track. I for example, can listen to Paul Oakenfold again and be happy, look at the sky at a slightly different way, read articles again and think more, be focused more on being the person that I really want to be, be focused more on work etc.

I can more easily recognise quality, like in the Sunday morning song from an unpopular band from Singapore called Paint the sky in red, and in anything really, people included, and I will continue giving my full trust from the first day to anyone that I decide is worth because that is me, but this time she will be different and she will decide to trust me fully from day one back.

 

Init_0

Everything ends? Or everything begins? Two questions that will haunt me in the next chapter of my life that follows. Will I ever reach that phase where everything will be forgotten,  will I ever reach the top of the spiritual mountain, a mountain with one person climbing it. Yes you have guessed it right, myself. For the past 3 years and so, I was climbing the mountain called life which for me is tightly intertwined with another mountain called love. Or maybe love can be defined as a volcano. A volcano that never stops with its eruptions. That volcano is finally gone. I can’t be burned once again. I can’t, because I know that that fire will never be there again. My heart will never love anyone as it loved her. Anna Elizabeth. The two names I instantly felt in love with. From the moment she introduced herself. I liked those names and I know that they will mean everything to me. I knew that from the very first days I was in love with her. I was falling in love gently, rapidly, but it was unsurprising because I knew that it will happen. My heart knew that she was the one I have been waiting for, from the very first moments. From the very first moments I saw her green eyes. I trusted her, I cried for her, and I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. She was my cherry blossom, my favourite flower, she was the river that never stops, an eternal flame that can never be contained or extinguished. My heart got the confirmation that she I made the right choice, from the very first time I hugged her. It’s not easy to love, but it was easy to love her. It was easy to feel home with her, because she was my home. She instantly became my only family that I always needed.

And now there is that steep mountain. A mountain that has many narrow cliffs. Cliffs from which I am destined to fall and maybe never get up again. Endless abyss from which I can only see darkness and nothing more. And nothing else will ever matter again, because the darkness will cover me entirely. Even though I am a warrior of the light (“Paulo Coelho”). Like in the Pandoras box, there will only remain hope. And maybe not even that. It will be my box, my demise that will trap me and from which I might not escape. It will be a box inside a bigger box called life and I will be in a state of limbo. Time will seem endless and I will chained in the purgatory with only myself and maybe if I am lucky my mind. Without my heart and maybe without my sanity. I will go back to the introverted, arrogant me and I will know that this time she will not be there to see through that facade, she won’t be there to save me from myself.

Init_0 started today, the 18th of March 2017.

Emotions

Sometimes, it’s very hard to look at reality, to notice it, and to realise that things are actually happening. I wish everything was just a dream that I can wake up from. I wish I can wake up, not thinking about everything that had happened, and be so strong, that I can just forget about everything. Or decide that I will forget it, after a certain period of time. One thing I know for sure, is that I can’t disjoint things and situations easily. I can’t easily be focused about something completely, and not thinking about the world that crumbled in a course of month, despite resolving many other things in my life, but the only thing that I had thought was stable and it won’t shatter, it did broke. The frames of the place I though was my home, broke, and all of the rooms inside feel empty, unprotected and missing that crucial link. That reality, is troubling me, and I don’t have the manual for resolving that imposed reality that caught me so off guard, and didn’t let me prepare for the fall. I don’t know what to think of people anymore. I never believed my family truly, because they all have their perks, I rarely have any friends that I really believe in, but they are just my friends at the end, they can help me, but they can’t form that reality, the new one in which I will see the world as a beautiful place again. A world where I will see people again and smile to honestly.  World where when I see a homeless person sleeping with his dog on the street, I will smile because that bond is so unique and in some cases better than a human to human bond. A world where I will have the hope again, that I am not alone out there, that there exists someone that I will be whole again. That hope at this moment is completely gone, and the worst part about it, is that I couldn’t have any real say in it.Like when the snow leopard mom wanders one day alone and leaves her kid to find his way in the high peaks of the Himalayas. Can we compare that with humans? Are we savages then? To have the audacity to decide that, and live in the wilderness again, to be ”free”? Are we an emotionless creatures who can manipulate and trick love and promises, cheat on eternity, for the sole reason of feeling ”free” and feeling ”better”?

I guess one is sure: that more and more people are so careless, they just want an escape route, and they see things from their perspective only. Welcome to the individualistic 21st century, where people prefer to have freedom, where people prefer to have ”space” where fake truths and opinions are pushed to be an alternate truth, even though there is not such thing as an alternate truth, where people care more about the ”formal” side of love, and they associate love with actions, with how much you show, as if love is a corporate action, where if you don’t impress your manager you fail, and people don’t care about you, as if you have never existed after a while. Welcome to the world of disdain and regression and please don’t enjoy the ride but do something about it, no matter how busy you are. I know I will. And I know that my emotions and feelings will progress once again and with that, the world, even though it will be a very very painful process.

Everything goes back to the beginning?

But where did it all began? Was it when I was reading books about platonic love as a kid, and started forming my opinions about how should one true love look like and when and how can you recognise it? Do I have to look back even further, when I hardly remember anything and try my best to remember how I perceived love, go back to that blank state, and try to recreate it? What if I don’t want to go back to that place, because I know that if I do, my love will disappear and I don’t want that. To people that have felt love in its purest form, no matter what that form represents and how do they see it, love lasts forever. They recognise it from the very first moment. You know that you are truly in love when you look at the sky, at a blank point and you don’t think about anything else except her. When you see at cherry blossoms and you see her. When you can hear the sound of the waterfall despite people passing by around you and talking loudly. When you hug her and there is nothing but silence, and your heart is immediately filled with the entire world.

Life moves forward, people change, time heals everything, it was all destiny…

  1. Does life really move forward? In what direction? And how do we know that it was moving forward and not backwards? One might say, it moved forward because we are happier, healthier, live in a better place, have a better job etc. But what if, we already have felt that pinnacle of happiness? What is next? Better job, better place, travelling, doing what we want? Isn’t that all just a distraction when you don’t have the inner peace? Probably, because that silence when you hug her on a busy train station disappears. It’s long gone. You can feel it occasionally again, in your dreams maybe,  but you know that you can never have it again. It’s a blessing in disguise. So maybe life won’t move forward. I think that that’s a lie that people tell to themselves just to make their lives worthy.
  2. Now time for another lie, people change. Do they really? Or people are just saying that to justify their actions in front of someone they care about, to make them feel better? Yes people can learn new things and decide to add to their personality over time, accepting those new things, but that is rare, and hardly anyone does that fully.
  3. Time heals everything, but what if we were already healed? What if we feel worse? How can people feel the same things, feel the same love once again? How can they see the cherry blossoms with the same eyes again, and not think about their own words and their own promises that they have said years, months ago, that what is special, and endless might never seize? Does that mean that they are lying to themselves, therefore making their lives one big lie? And ultimately is time healing their lies only?
  4. It was all destiny, sadly ‘there is no such thing as destiny only different choices’ (The Number 23).

So many questions, and so little answers. Maybe my mind can try to find an answer, but my heart refuses to. It refuses to find a way out, probably because it was in that place called heaven on earth. Maybe it isn’t now, but something tells me it will always try to stay there, because the way out of there would mean being a hypocrite to its previous self, and it would mean watching the cherry blossoms with different eyes. And cherry blossoms are beautiful, they are one of a kind, and they can’t ever be seen with different eyes.

Hollow talk

Just a name of a song by Choir of Young Believers or is it just that? I wish it was just that. And I wish I had never felt that hollow talk. I wish I didn’t have to come to this place. Dark place, full of clouds, a place where nothing is clear, where your head wants to continue, but something more important tells you that you can’t move forward. Fast forward 5 years from now. I might have a better social status, I might have a better job, I might become the person I see myself as in 5 years, but will it be worth? I might be more satisfied,  but I won’t be happy. I might be free, but I won’t be dependent. I might be loved, but I will never love.Not as I did. Because we have only one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything we ever wanted, in one moment, will we capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem anyone? And it definitely slips away, that moment, that in my life was planned to last forever, because I know that in my mind, and in my heart that moment is forever captured, forever remembered and never forgotten. No pictures, no videos, just me and my memories that I will nurture and I will never let my mind forget them, I will never let my the emotions that my heart feels go away, vanish, as if they never were there. I can’t be a hypocrite to myself and let that happen.It definitely is painful. Many have said, you are young, you can’t possibly think like that, but it is possible, because I think I know myself pretty well. Darkness looms over me, and darkness is covering my entire room except the area in front of my laptop screen. Will light shine again as it did in the past 3 years? Will I ever be able to see beyond the darkness, and be able to live this life and be truly happy, on my own and dependent on myself only? Hardly probable, Is time the perfect healer? Again, hardly probable. The things that are sure are that I will have to start anew, learn to live this new kind of imposed life, one without my best friend, have many sleepless nights, be lonely, look at life from many angles, and have hollow talks with myself.