Init_0

Everything ends? Or everything begins? Two questions that will haunt me in the next chapter of my life that follows. Will I ever reach that phase where everything will be forgotten,  will I ever reach the top of the spiritual mountain, a mountain with one person climbing it. Yes you have guessed it right, myself. For the past 3 years and so, I was climbing the mountain called life which for me is tightly intertwined with another mountain called love. Or maybe love can be defined as a volcano. A volcano that never stops with its eruptions. That volcano is finally gone. I can’t be burned once again. I can’t, because I know that that fire will never be there again. My heart will never love anyone as it loved her. Anna Elizabeth. The two names I instantly felt in love with. From the moment she introduced herself. I liked those names and I know that they will mean everything to me. I knew that from the very first days I was in love with her. I was falling in love gently, rapidly, but it was unsurprising because I knew that it will happen. My heart knew that she was the one I have been waiting for, from the very first moments. From the very first moments I saw her green eyes. I trusted her, I cried for her, and I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. She was my cherry blossom, my favourite flower, she was the river that never stops, an eternal flame that can never be contained or extinguished. My heart got the confirmation that she I made the right choice, from the very first time I hugged her. It’s not easy to love, but it was easy to love her. It was easy to feel home with her, because she was my home. She instantly became my only family that I always needed.

And now there is that steep mountain. A mountain that has many narrow cliffs. Cliffs from which I am destined to fall and maybe never get up again. Endless abyss from which I can only see darkness and nothing more. And nothing else will ever matter again, because the darkness will cover me entirely. Even though I am a warrior of the light (“Paulo Coelho”). Like in the Pandoras box, there will only remain hope. And maybe not even that. It will be my box, my demise that will trap me and from which I might not escape. It will be a box inside a bigger box called life and I will be in a state of limbo. Time will seem endless and I will chained in the purgatory with only myself and maybe if I am lucky my mind. Without my heart and maybe without my sanity. I will go back to the introverted, arrogant me and I will know that this time she will not be there to see through that facade, she won’t be there to save me from myself.

Init_0 started today, the 18th of March 2017.

Emotions

Sometimes, it’s very hard to look at reality, to notice it, and to realise that things are actually happening. I wish everything was just a dream that I can wake up from. I wish I can wake up, not thinking about everything that had happened, and be so strong, that I can just forget about everything. Or decide that I will forget it, after a certain period of time. One thing I know for sure, is that I can’t disjoint things and situations easily. I can’t easily be focused about something completely, and not thinking about the world that crumbled in a course of month, despite resolving many other things in my life, but the only thing that I had thought was stable and it won’t shatter, it did broke. The frames of the place I though was my home, broke, and all of the rooms inside feel empty, unprotected and missing that crucial link. That reality, is troubling me, and I don’t have the manual for resolving that imposed reality that caught me so off guard, and didn’t let me prepare for the fall. I don’t know what to think of people anymore. I never believed my family truly, because they all have their perks, I rarely have any friends that I really believe in, but they are just my friends at the end, they can help me, but they can’t form that reality, the new one in which I will see the world as a beautiful place again. A world where I will see people again and smile to honestly.  World where when I see a homeless person sleeping with his dog on the street, I will smile because that bond is so unique and in some cases better than a human to human bond. A world where I will have the hope again, that I am not alone out there, that there exists someone that I will be whole again. That hope at this moment is completely gone, and the worst part about it, is that I couldn’t have any real say in it.Like when the snow leopard mom wanders one day alone and leaves her kid to find his way in the high peaks of the Himalayas. Can we compare that with humans? Are we savages then? To have the audacity to decide that, and live in the wilderness again, to be ”free”? Are we an emotionless creatures who can manipulate and trick love and promises, cheat on eternity, for the sole reason of feeling ”free” and feeling ”better”?

I guess one is sure: that more and more people are so careless, they just want an escape route, and they see things from their perspective only. Welcome to the individualistic 21st century, where people prefer to have freedom, where people prefer to have ”space” where fake truths and opinions are pushed to be an alternate truth, even though there is not such thing as an alternate truth, where people care more about the ”formal” side of love, and they associate love with actions, with how much you show, as if love is a corporate action, where if you don’t impress your manager you fail, and people don’t care about you, as if you have never existed after a while. Welcome to the world of disdain and regression and please don’t enjoy the ride but do something about it, no matter how busy you are. I know I will. And I know that my emotions and feelings will progress once again and with that, the world, even though it will be a very very painful process.

Everything goes back to the beginning?

But where did it all began? Was it when I was reading books about platonic love as a kid, and started forming my opinions about how should one true love look like and when and how can you recognise it? Do I have to look back even further, when I hardly remember anything and try my best to remember how I perceived love, go back to that blank state, and try to recreate it? What if I don’t want to go back to that place, because I know that if I do, my love will disappear and I don’t want that. To people that have felt love in its purest form, no matter what that form represents and how do they see it, love lasts forever. They recognise it from the very first moment. You know that you are truly in love when you look at the sky, at a blank point and you don’t think about anything else except her. When you see at cherry blossoms and you see her. When you can hear the sound of the waterfall despite people passing by around you and talking loudly. When you hug her and there is nothing but silence, and your heart is immediately filled with the entire world.

Life moves forward, people change, time heals everything, it was all destiny…

  1. Does life really move forward? In what direction? And how do we know that it was moving forward and not backwards? One might say, it moved forward because we are happier, healthier, live in a better place, have a better job etc. But what if, we already have felt that pinnacle of happiness? What is next? Better job, better place, travelling, doing what we want? Isn’t that all just a distraction when you don’t have the inner peace? Probably, because that silence when you hug her on a busy train station disappears. It’s long gone. You can feel it occasionally again, in your dreams maybe,  but you know that you can never have it again. It’s a blessing in disguise. So maybe life won’t move forward. I think that that’s a lie that people tell to themselves just to make their lives worthy.
  2. Now time for another lie, people change. Do they really? Or people are just saying that to justify their actions in front of someone they care about, to make them feel better? Yes people can learn new things and decide to add to their personality over time, accepting those new things, but that is rare, and hardly anyone does that fully.
  3. Time heals everything, but what if we were already healed? What if we feel worse? How can people feel the same things, feel the same love once again? How can they see the cherry blossoms with the same eyes again, and not think about their own words and their own promises that they have said years, months ago, that what is special, and endless might never seize? Does that mean that they are lying to themselves, therefore making their lives one big lie? And ultimately is time healing their lies only?
  4. It was all destiny, sadly ‘there is no such thing as destiny only different choices’ (The Number 23).

So many questions, and so little answers. Maybe my mind can try to find an answer, but my heart refuses to. It refuses to find a way out, probably because it was in that place called heaven on earth. Maybe it isn’t now, but something tells me it will always try to stay there, because the way out of there would mean being a hypocrite to its previous self, and it would mean watching the cherry blossoms with different eyes. And cherry blossoms are beautiful, they are one of a kind, and they can’t ever be seen with different eyes.

Hollow talk

Just a name of a song by Choir of Young Believers or is it just that? I wish it was just that. And I wish I had never felt that hollow talk. I wish I didn’t have to come to this place. Dark place, full of clouds, a place where nothing is clear, where your head wants to continue, but something more important tells you that you can’t move forward. Fast forward 5 years from now. I might have a better social status, I might have a better job, I might become the person I see myself as in 5 years, but will it be worth? I might be more satisfied,  but I won’t be happy. I might be free, but I won’t be dependent. I might be loved, but I will never love.Not as I did. Because we have only one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything we ever wanted, in one moment, will we capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem anyone? And it definitely slips away, that moment, that in my life was planned to last forever, because I know that in my mind, and in my heart that moment is forever captured, forever remembered and never forgotten. No pictures, no videos, just me and my memories that I will nurture and I will never let my mind forget them, I will never let my the emotions that my heart feels go away, vanish, as if they never were there. I can’t be a hypocrite to myself and let that happen.It definitely is painful. Many have said, you are young, you can’t possibly think like that, but it is possible, because I think I know myself pretty well. Darkness looms over me, and darkness is covering my entire room except the area in front of my laptop screen. Will light shine again as it did in the past 3 years? Will I ever be able to see beyond the darkness, and be able to live this life and be truly happy, on my own and dependent on myself only? Hardly probable, Is time the perfect healer? Again, hardly probable. The things that are sure are that I will have to start anew, learn to live this new kind of imposed life, one without my best friend, have many sleepless nights, be lonely, look at life from many angles, and have hollow talks with myself.

 

Loving the world through loving yourself

I want to start my Sunday post by saying thank you to my best friends, which I respect immensely, and which helped me in numerous occasions, through words only, through their side of life, through their views and understandings. Those friends that you can get up in the middle of the night to keep you company, ask them to go on a walk with you without giving them any reason to, understanding you, and even if they don’t say anything they say much. Sadly, one of the two, is not near me so that I can bother more at the moment, but luckily I was lucky enough to have met him, and to maintain that understanding that is pretty rare, on a greater level, on a level where we can agree about our disagreements, and surprise ourselves sometimes by thinking about the same exact idea or finding out that some of our definitions about life, love, the world are the same. Hopefully, they will read this one day, and they will enjoy recognise themselves, it will mean something to them, and they will remember parts of this digital scribble, if not the whole thing.

To continue, as we all know, life is hard. It gets even harder when you feel that the unity that you taught is eternal it was still of this world, human, and with an expiration date.. When the one that you thought was happy with you and can’t live without you, feels trapped and wants freedom, when the one that you were saying to I want to do all of the things with you, no matter what it is, out of love, and because she was your everything, doesn’t want that, and wants to do things by herself, and treats you weird and rejects that idea of being with one another constantly. Maybe some are too self-centred, and need that freedom, and can’t get past that idea of giving part of their freedom to that other person that they claim they care and love so much. Maybe they can’t modify their lives, make small tweaks that will ultimately make their lives fulfilled, because they are doing the things that makes the unity happy instead of the individual. Maybe it’s unimaginable for some people to function like this, because nowadays, people are more and more raised to think individually. When someone can’t see the bigger picture, and see beyond that, transcend that field, that person is trapped, confined, and living within his/her limits, too afraid to realise what is right, and too afraid to make a change, or be open to a change.

Luckily there are people out there, that are seeing the world positively, they see love as a revelation, as a sacred thing, as a superlative feeling, as the feelings above all feelings, and that love must start from the love within you, your inner self and everything you represent. The love that you have for yourself, transmits into others and makes their lives more beautiful, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t possibly love others, you don’t know the feeling, and you can’t look for the same thing in others, and seek their love, if love as a variable is unknown to you. Everything comes to an end one day, everything except love, and even though life is hard, harder when you feel that that sacred love is getting unidirectional, you mustn’t forget things, you mustn’t remain the best version of yourself that you know, and move forward, because that love will always be there, the love within yourself, and the love towards someone, despite everything will not be wasted, it will remain on the highest step of the mountain called life, and it will stay there, forever, and it will never die, because it was, it is, and it will always be,infinite.

 

Unity through diversity

There comes a time in our lives where we think we are different.

And from the moment we start thinking that we are that thought hardly changes, and we do anything to keep it alive, to be distinct, to be an outcast. Whether it is from when we are kids when we realise that we don’t do the same things as the other kids, or when we grow up and realise that we don’t want to be some company puppet, sooner or later we all tend to think that we are diverse, but in fact if all or most think like that, isn’t that making them or all of us normal?

From when I was an early teenager, I started realising more and more how emotionally shallow some people can be. I would realise that in some people without ever knowing them or meeting them, I could tell by their faces that they are troubled, on the outside they would act that everything is fine, and that they understood life as it is, because they have jobs, families, cars, houses whatever, and by the definition of our society, that is more or less the definition of being successful or happy and normal. Yet I could sense a great loneliness in their lives. They would smile, they would come up with jokes, they would use sarcasm to hide their emotions and hide their lives. And I was confused. As a 12 year old when you are first starting to comprehend all of that, and the world around you, you are left thinking, overthinking sometimes what is wrong? Why would anyone not be sincere, or loyal, or wanting the best for themselves and not satisfying with just what is ”right”, satisfy with the fact that they will be just passengers in life, floaters, without any significant distinguishment that will make us recognisable in life, different than the rest, but different in that circle, and at the end normal again, because somebody else in this world is probably thinking the same way as us. I tried to understand but I couldn’t.

I would listen to trance music on my TV whereas all of my friends and all that I know around me, would listen to some pop or something extremely boring. I would watch movies that are serious, that are hard to understand, like The Butterfly Effect, movies that can be hard to grasp for an early teenager. I would read and not party, I was realising more and more that I want something else, something more, something that is different, always root for the underdog, always believe in something extraordinary, never satisfy with the casual, no matter how hard life can be. But the biggest internal confusion and the moment when I realised I was definitely different than the ones around me, came with my first crush.

She approached me initially. I had no idea how to act, how to approach all of it, and after a short period of time she was not interested anymore. When you are only 14 and when you experience that you are saying it’s alright it was just an experience, But what was weird was that I never felt something more. Yes I felt the initial crush, but I just wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and have tease her over anything. As the time passed, my friends around me would talk about their experiences, girls, and girls would talk about boys. I would never find an interest in all of that, because all of that, crush after crush, changing a partner often, was meaningless, it was plain and unimaginable. And others would be amazed, because girls would approach me, and yes I would agree to hang out with them (on the rare occasions when I would agree that is), but I had to quit shortly after. It was never their fault. And yes that is a big cliche, but I didn’t feel anything. Looking back at my old experiences, I started understanding that I never cared for anyone except for my family and myself. I never loved a girl/woman in my life. I had great respect to the ones that loved me, and I tried not to disappoint them and make them feel loved but I could never see the world differently and feel the real beauty of the world. When all or most of the people around me dated and cried and were left out with broken hearts, I was the one that stared at the lights, wondering how are they connected, entering every book store, just to see the books that are on the shelves, going into the library every week to get a new book, staring at the endless fields of grass whenever I took the train, and thinking about a better world, a world where all will be happy and satisfied with one another.

Despite all of that I believed in true love. I had to because I saw it in movies, I read about it in books, and I could listen about it in songs. I could barely notice it in reality, but my inner optimistic always believed. And I would often smile randomly thinking about that one that exists in the world, that would be simple and yet complicated, beautiful in her own way, the one that will capture my heart from the very early beginnings and never let it go.

It all happened fast, it took me off guard. It didn’t start with a look. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was rather love at first read. When I wrote her the first message, she replied with a longer one. And I was surprised. I thought I was the one the writes long messages. I have a tendency to do that. I felt in love with her words. And it was the best feeling in the world. I knew, and I was sure that she can understand me. I asked what does she look like, but I never requested a picture. I knew that she was the most beautiful person I have ever met, and I was relaxed. I finally felt peace. I looked at the birds thinking about her, and I touched the city lamps thinking about her, Because I was happy. I was myself again, and I could feel her presence around me, even if at that moment she was not there. I still didn’t know how she looked like. Her aura trapped mine, and I had built her character. I felt united with her. And I never wanted to let go. When you finally feel that, you know that it’s the best thing that happened to you. That that can never possibly happen again. Because there is only one true love. She was my only true love and still is. I saw life differently, and understood life differently because of her. She started everything and she is the meaning of life. She is the life itself. I realised that if I hadn’t been diverse and if I hadn’t created that world where I don’t satisfy that easily with anything, I wouldn’t have felt any of that maybe.

When I finally hugged her for the first time and became united, I knew that that unity can is greater than anything, it is greater than life, and it is eternal. Because what is eternal will never die.