Things that I will always miss

Her skin smoother than silk.

Her hair, that I didn’t like at the beginning,

Her smile, that was shining.

Her face that was perfect,

Her aura that clicked.

Her words that are engraved in my heart,

Her dedication whenever she did her art.

Her scent like smell of a flower,

Her voice whenever she had a shower.

Her love that I have felt,

Her hand on my shoulder whenever I slept.

 

 

 

 

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Init_0

Everything ends? Or everything begins? Two questions that will haunt me in the next chapter of my life that follows. Will I ever reach that phase where everything will be forgotten,  will I ever reach the top of the spiritual mountain, a mountain with one person climbing it. Yes you have guessed it right, myself. For the past 3 years and so, I was climbing the mountain called life which for me is tightly intertwined with another mountain called love. Or maybe love can be defined as a volcano. A volcano that never stops with its eruptions. That volcano is finally gone. I can’t be burned once again. I can’t, because I know that that fire will never be there again. My heart will never love anyone as it loved her. Anna Elizabeth. The two names I instantly felt in love with. From the moment she introduced herself. I liked those names and I know that they will mean everything to me. I knew that from the very first days I was in love with her. I was falling in love gently, rapidly, but it was unsurprising because I knew that it will happen. My heart knew that she was the one I have been waiting for, from the very first moments. From the very first moments I saw her green eyes. I trusted her, I cried for her, and I was ready to sacrifice everything for her. She was my cherry blossom, my favourite flower, she was the river that never stops, an eternal flame that can never be contained or extinguished. My heart got the confirmation that she I made the right choice, from the very first time I hugged her. It’s not easy to love, but it was easy to love her. It was easy to feel home with her, because she was my home. She instantly became my only family that I always needed.

And now there is that steep mountain. A mountain that has many narrow cliffs. Cliffs from which I am destined to fall and maybe never get up again. Endless abyss from which I can only see darkness and nothing more. And nothing else will ever matter again, because the darkness will cover me entirely. Even though I am a warrior of the light (“Paulo Coelho”). Like in the Pandoras box, there will only remain hope. And maybe not even that. It will be my box, my demise that will trap me and from which I might not escape. It will be a box inside a bigger box called life and I will be in a state of limbo. Time will seem endless and I will chained in the purgatory with only myself and maybe if I am lucky my mind. Without my heart and maybe without my sanity. I will go back to the introverted, arrogant me and I will know that this time she will not be there to see through that facade, she won’t be there to save me from myself.

Init_0 started today, the 18th of March 2017.

Emotions

Sometimes, it’s very hard to look at reality, to notice it, and to realise that things are actually happening. I wish everything was just a dream that I can wake up from. I wish I can wake up, not thinking about everything that had happened, and be so strong, that I can just forget about everything. Or decide that I will forget it, after a certain period of time. One thing I know for sure, is that I can’t disjoint things and situations easily. I can’t easily be focused about something completely, and not thinking about the world that crumbled in a course of month, despite resolving many other things in my life, but the only thing that I had thought was stable and it won’t shatter, it did broke. The frames of the place I though was my home, broke, and all of the rooms inside feel empty, unprotected and missing that crucial link. That reality, is troubling me, and I don’t have the manual for resolving that imposed reality that caught me so off guard, and didn’t let me prepare for the fall. I don’t know what to think of people anymore. I never believed my family truly, because they all have their perks, I rarely have any friends that I really believe in, but they are just my friends at the end, they can help me, but they can’t form that reality, the new one in which I will see the world as a beautiful place again. A world where I will see people again and smile to honestly.  World where when I see a homeless person sleeping with his dog on the street, I will smile because that bond is so unique and in some cases better than a human to human bond. A world where I will have the hope again, that I am not alone out there, that there exists someone that I will be whole again. That hope at this moment is completely gone, and the worst part about it, is that I couldn’t have any real say in it.Like when the snow leopard mom wanders one day alone and leaves her kid to find his way in the high peaks of the Himalayas. Can we compare that with humans? Are we savages then? To have the audacity to decide that, and live in the wilderness again, to be ”free”? Are we an emotionless creatures who can manipulate and trick love and promises, cheat on eternity, for the sole reason of feeling ”free” and feeling ”better”?

I guess one is sure: that more and more people are so careless, they just want an escape route, and they see things from their perspective only. Welcome to the individualistic 21st century, where people prefer to have freedom, where people prefer to have ”space” where fake truths and opinions are pushed to be an alternate truth, even though there is not such thing as an alternate truth, where people care more about the ”formal” side of love, and they associate love with actions, with how much you show, as if love is a corporate action, where if you don’t impress your manager you fail, and people don’t care about you, as if you have never existed after a while. Welcome to the world of disdain and regression and please don’t enjoy the ride but do something about it, no matter how busy you are. I know I will. And I know that my emotions and feelings will progress once again and with that, the world, even though it will be a very very painful process.

Everything goes back to the beginning?

But where did it all began? Was it when I was reading books about platonic love as a kid, and started forming my opinions about how should one true love look like and when and how can you recognise it? Do I have to look back even further, when I hardly remember anything and try my best to remember how I perceived love, go back to that blank state, and try to recreate it? What if I don’t want to go back to that place, because I know that if I do, my love will disappear and I don’t want that. To people that have felt love in its purest form, no matter what that form represents and how do they see it, love lasts forever. They recognise it from the very first moment. You know that you are truly in love when you look at the sky, at a blank point and you don’t think about anything else except her. When you see at cherry blossoms and you see her. When you can hear the sound of the waterfall despite people passing by around you and talking loudly. When you hug her and there is nothing but silence, and your heart is immediately filled with the entire world.

Life moves forward, people change, time heals everything, it was all destiny…

  1. Does life really move forward? In what direction? And how do we know that it was moving forward and not backwards? One might say, it moved forward because we are happier, healthier, live in a better place, have a better job etc. But what if, we already have felt that pinnacle of happiness? What is next? Better job, better place, travelling, doing what we want? Isn’t that all just a distraction when you don’t have the inner peace? Probably, because that silence when you hug her on a busy train station disappears. It’s long gone. You can feel it occasionally again, in your dreams maybe,  but you know that you can never have it again. It’s a blessing in disguise. So maybe life won’t move forward. I think that that’s a lie that people tell to themselves just to make their lives worthy.
  2. Now time for another lie, people change. Do they really? Or people are just saying that to justify their actions in front of someone they care about, to make them feel better? Yes people can learn new things and decide to add to their personality over time, accepting those new things, but that is rare, and hardly anyone does that fully.
  3. Time heals everything, but what if we were already healed? What if we feel worse? How can people feel the same things, feel the same love once again? How can they see the cherry blossoms with the same eyes again, and not think about their own words and their own promises that they have said years, months ago, that what is special, and endless might never seize? Does that mean that they are lying to themselves, therefore making their lives one big lie? And ultimately is time healing their lies only?
  4. It was all destiny, sadly ‘there is no such thing as destiny only different choices’ (The Number 23).

So many questions, and so little answers. Maybe my mind can try to find an answer, but my heart refuses to. It refuses to find a way out, probably because it was in that place called heaven on earth. Maybe it isn’t now, but something tells me it will always try to stay there, because the way out of there would mean being a hypocrite to its previous self, and it would mean watching the cherry blossoms with different eyes. And cherry blossoms are beautiful, they are one of a kind, and they can’t ever be seen with different eyes.

Hollow talk

Just a name of a song by Choir of Young Believers or is it just that? I wish it was just that. And I wish I had never felt that hollow talk. I wish I didn’t have to come to this place. Dark place, full of clouds, a place where nothing is clear, where your head wants to continue, but something more important tells you that you can’t move forward. Fast forward 5 years from now. I might have a better social status, I might have a better job, I might become the person I see myself as in 5 years, but will it be worth? I might be more satisfied,  but I won’t be happy. I might be free, but I won’t be dependent. I might be loved, but I will never love.Not as I did. Because we have only one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything we ever wanted, in one moment, will we capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem anyone? And it definitely slips away, that moment, that in my life was planned to last forever, because I know that in my mind, and in my heart that moment is forever captured, forever remembered and never forgotten. No pictures, no videos, just me and my memories that I will nurture and I will never let my mind forget them, I will never let my the emotions that my heart feels go away, vanish, as if they never were there. I can’t be a hypocrite to myself and let that happen.It definitely is painful. Many have said, you are young, you can’t possibly think like that, but it is possible, because I think I know myself pretty well. Darkness looms over me, and darkness is covering my entire room except the area in front of my laptop screen. Will light shine again as it did in the past 3 years? Will I ever be able to see beyond the darkness, and be able to live this life and be truly happy, on my own and dependent on myself only? Hardly probable, Is time the perfect healer? Again, hardly probable. The things that are sure are that I will have to start anew, learn to live this new kind of imposed life, one without my best friend, have many sleepless nights, be lonely, look at life from many angles, and have hollow talks with myself.

 

Loving the world through loving yourself

I want to start my Sunday post by saying thank you to my best friends, which I respect immensely, and which helped me in numerous occasions, through words only, through their side of life, through their views and understandings. Those friends that you can get up in the middle of the night to keep you company, ask them to go on a walk with you without giving them any reason to, understanding you, and even if they don’t say anything they say much. Sadly, one of the two, is not near me so that I can bother more at the moment, but luckily I was lucky enough to have met him, and to maintain that understanding that is pretty rare, on a greater level, on a level where we can agree about our disagreements, and surprise ourselves sometimes by thinking about the same exact idea or finding out that some of our definitions about life, love, the world are the same. Hopefully, they will read this one day, and they will enjoy recognise themselves, it will mean something to them, and they will remember parts of this digital scribble, if not the whole thing.

To continue, as we all know, life is hard. It gets even harder when you feel that the unity that you taught is eternal it was still of this world, human, and with an expiration date.. When the one that you thought was happy with you and can’t live without you, feels trapped and wants freedom, when the one that you were saying to I want to do all of the things with you, no matter what it is, out of love, and because she was your everything, doesn’t want that, and wants to do things by herself, and treats you weird and rejects that idea of being with one another constantly. Maybe some are too self-centred, and need that freedom, and can’t get past that idea of giving part of their freedom to that other person that they claim they care and love so much. Maybe they can’t modify their lives, make small tweaks that will ultimately make their lives fulfilled, because they are doing the things that makes the unity happy instead of the individual. Maybe it’s unimaginable for some people to function like this, because nowadays, people are more and more raised to think individually. When someone can’t see the bigger picture, and see beyond that, transcend that field, that person is trapped, confined, and living within his/her limits, too afraid to realise what is right, and too afraid to make a change, or be open to a change.

Luckily there are people out there, that are seeing the world positively, they see love as a revelation, as a sacred thing, as a superlative feeling, as the feelings above all feelings, and that love must start from the love within you, your inner self and everything you represent. The love that you have for yourself, transmits into others and makes their lives more beautiful, because if you can’t love yourself, you can’t possibly love others, you don’t know the feeling, and you can’t look for the same thing in others, and seek their love, if love as a variable is unknown to you. Everything comes to an end one day, everything except love, and even though life is hard, harder when you feel that that sacred love is getting unidirectional, you mustn’t forget things, you mustn’t remain the best version of yourself that you know, and move forward, because that love will always be there, the love within yourself, and the love towards someone, despite everything will not be wasted, it will remain on the highest step of the mountain called life, and it will stay there, forever, and it will never die, because it was, it is, and it will always be,infinite.

 

Late morning

What is it, that makes our lives co complicated? Why can only some of us see beyond, and why are only some of us prepare to listen, but not just listen because they were told to but really listen and understand?

As I drinking my late morning coffee I am realising more and more that the crucial confusion nowadays is the lack of balance. People, societies are lacking that balance that will allow them to comprehend problems better and treat problems or details and life better. What kind of a balance is it? It’s a complex idea, that can be described by many differently. For me that balance consists of several ”concepts” like: love (first towards ourselves and then others), happiness that should come through love and not materialistic values and possessions , intelligence (whatever types of it). Now there are surely other ”concepts” that I can’t remember at this moment, but those 3 hold the keys to life, to making it worthy, and liveable. Many might say, but life can be lived in different ways, but is that really the case? Aren’t we all following a very similar path, supervised by many in our lives, that must follow rules, manners, ideas, systems, must respect others (sometimes falsely), otherwise society looks at us differently, it ”condemns” us, and it renders us, different. We are being told that  we have all the freedom to do whatever we want, yet we all tend to follow that similar path, work jobs that we really don’t want, stay in relationships we don’t really feel the need for, be mature, be yourself. So where is the hurdle, where is the switch, from those years where we were told to be ourselves, that we can make everything by ourselves to be similar to others? First of all, the problem in that is that many nowadays believe in that individualism. And yes individualism is needed. But not full. Individualism should not prevail. No matter how hard the system pushes that idea to us. That we have to be responsible for ourselves that our lives are our lives and we are the masters of our ”destiny”. There is not such thing as destiny anyways only different choices. Our lives, from the moments we are born are dependent on others. And it’s in our nature, and it makes us feel better, to be dependent on others. And I am not referring to the financial dependency. I am writing about the bonds that we create form when we are born. Human bonds, emotional bonds that create that beauty in our lives, bonds that without, we are mare unknowns in a vast world. It’s not a coincidence that the thing that brings us the highest joy and happiness in life is when we meet our soulmate. Because she/he can understand us the best. Because through him/her, we share every other bond so far, every experience we have had, every moment of magic of our lives, we combine it with theirs. And we create something. Something unforgettable, something special and endless. But we must not forget, those are not only our experiences, our magic, it’s all of ours. The lessons in life that we learn are combined, and our views are not just our views they are affected. That being said, that’s the first and biggest reason why can we live our lives successfully. The moment we achieve and have that balance with someone we are the people from when we were kids. And we know that we think and we learn the most when we are in that ”state”. Sadly, nowadays rarely someone believes in that. I keep seeing, hearing people that claim that it’s ok to be in open relationships, that there is nothing wrong with that, I keep seeing people that marry just because they want to be socially known and recognised. They pass knowledge, ideas, life, to their kids, and they are busy of it, they are tired, of their lives, they are too busy to dedicate the time they have, that we all have, to teaching their kids valuable lessons, by mainly just being with them. And there it is again, the lack of balance. That again comes through loving and believing in ourselves as people, that again comes from our parents and society, and then loving our one partner that we choose to share our world with. In a world where, people say I love you to each other just for the sake of it, at time where people are so insecure about their lives, about their beauty as people, insecure about their looks, positions in life, at time where they lack motivation, courage, confidence, it’s no coincidence that at that same time, people lack greatly love, and through that balance. All of them are linked, and they can never be broken. Because that is what makes this morning beautiful, that is what makes us people beautiful, the ability to love ourselves, share that love with all, and love that one person that is the person we trust the most from the moment we see them in the void, from the moment we first say hello to them. Balance in all things.