Things that I will always miss

Her skin smoother than silk.

Her hair, that I didn’t like at the beginning,

Her smile, that was shining.

Her face that was perfect,

Her aura that clicked.

Her words that are engraved in my heart,

Her dedication whenever she did her art.

Her scent like smell of a flower,

Her voice whenever she had a shower.

Her love that I have felt,

Her hand on my shoulder whenever I slept.

 

 

 

 

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Everything goes back to the beginning?

But where did it all began? Was it when I was reading books about platonic love as a kid, and started forming my opinions about how should one true love look like and when and how can you recognise it? Do I have to look back even further, when I hardly remember anything and try my best to remember how I perceived love, go back to that blank state, and try to recreate it? What if I don’t want to go back to that place, because I know that if I do, my love will disappear and I don’t want that. To people that have felt love in its purest form, no matter what that form represents and how do they see it, love lasts forever. They recognise it from the very first moment. You know that you are truly in love when you look at the sky, at a blank point and you don’t think about anything else except her. When you see at cherry blossoms and you see her. When you can hear the sound of the waterfall despite people passing by around you and talking loudly. When you hug her and there is nothing but silence, and your heart is immediately filled with the entire world.

Life moves forward, people change, time heals everything, it was all destiny…

  1. Does life really move forward? In what direction? And how do we know that it was moving forward and not backwards? One might say, it moved forward because we are happier, healthier, live in a better place, have a better job etc. But what if, we already have felt that pinnacle of happiness? What is next? Better job, better place, travelling, doing what we want? Isn’t that all just a distraction when you don’t have the inner peace? Probably, because that silence when you hug her on a busy train station disappears. It’s long gone. You can feel it occasionally again, in your dreams maybe,  but you know that you can never have it again. It’s a blessing in disguise. So maybe life won’t move forward. I think that that’s a lie that people tell to themselves just to make their lives worthy.
  2. Now time for another lie, people change. Do they really? Or people are just saying that to justify their actions in front of someone they care about, to make them feel better? Yes people can learn new things and decide to add to their personality over time, accepting those new things, but that is rare, and hardly anyone does that fully.
  3. Time heals everything, but what if we were already healed? What if we feel worse? How can people feel the same things, feel the same love once again? How can they see the cherry blossoms with the same eyes again, and not think about their own words and their own promises that they have said years, months ago, that what is special, and endless might never seize? Does that mean that they are lying to themselves, therefore making their lives one big lie? And ultimately is time healing their lies only?
  4. It was all destiny, sadly ‘there is no such thing as destiny only different choices’ (The Number 23).

So many questions, and so little answers. Maybe my mind can try to find an answer, but my heart refuses to. It refuses to find a way out, probably because it was in that place called heaven on earth. Maybe it isn’t now, but something tells me it will always try to stay there, because the way out of there would mean being a hypocrite to its previous self, and it would mean watching the cherry blossoms with different eyes. And cherry blossoms are beautiful, they are one of a kind, and they can’t ever be seen with different eyes.

Unity through diversity

There comes a time in our lives where we think we are different.

And from the moment we start thinking that we are that thought hardly changes, and we do anything to keep it alive, to be distinct, to be an outcast. Whether it is from when we are kids when we realise that we don’t do the same things as the other kids, or when we grow up and realise that we don’t want to be some company puppet, sooner or later we all tend to think that we are diverse, but in fact if all or most think like that, isn’t that making them or all of us normal?

From when I was an early teenager, I started realising more and more how emotionally shallow some people can be. I would realise that in some people without ever knowing them or meeting them, I could tell by their faces that they are troubled, on the outside they would act that everything is fine, and that they understood life as it is, because they have jobs, families, cars, houses whatever, and by the definition of our society, that is more or less the definition of being successful or happy and normal. Yet I could sense a great loneliness in their lives. They would smile, they would come up with jokes, they would use sarcasm to hide their emotions and hide their lives. And I was confused. As a 12 year old when you are first starting to comprehend all of that, and the world around you, you are left thinking, overthinking sometimes what is wrong? Why would anyone not be sincere, or loyal, or wanting the best for themselves and not satisfying with just what is ”right”, satisfy with the fact that they will be just passengers in life, floaters, without any significant distinguishment that will make us recognisable in life, different than the rest, but different in that circle, and at the end normal again, because somebody else in this world is probably thinking the same way as us. I tried to understand but I couldn’t.

I would listen to trance music on my TV whereas all of my friends and all that I know around me, would listen to some pop or something extremely boring. I would watch movies that are serious, that are hard to understand, like The Butterfly Effect, movies that can be hard to grasp for an early teenager. I would read and not party, I was realising more and more that I want something else, something more, something that is different, always root for the underdog, always believe in something extraordinary, never satisfy with the casual, no matter how hard life can be. But the biggest internal confusion and the moment when I realised I was definitely different than the ones around me, came with my first crush.

She approached me initially. I had no idea how to act, how to approach all of it, and after a short period of time she was not interested anymore. When you are only 14 and when you experience that you are saying it’s alright it was just an experience, But what was weird was that I never felt something more. Yes I felt the initial crush, but I just wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and have tease her over anything. As the time passed, my friends around me would talk about their experiences, girls, and girls would talk about boys. I would never find an interest in all of that, because all of that, crush after crush, changing a partner often, was meaningless, it was plain and unimaginable. And others would be amazed, because girls would approach me, and yes I would agree to hang out with them (on the rare occasions when I would agree that is), but I had to quit shortly after. It was never their fault. And yes that is a big cliche, but I didn’t feel anything. Looking back at my old experiences, I started understanding that I never cared for anyone except for my family and myself. I never loved a girl/woman in my life. I had great respect to the ones that loved me, and I tried not to disappoint them and make them feel loved but I could never see the world differently and feel the real beauty of the world. When all or most of the people around me dated and cried and were left out with broken hearts, I was the one that stared at the lights, wondering how are they connected, entering every book store, just to see the books that are on the shelves, going into the library every week to get a new book, staring at the endless fields of grass whenever I took the train, and thinking about a better world, a world where all will be happy and satisfied with one another.

Despite all of that I believed in true love. I had to because I saw it in movies, I read about it in books, and I could listen about it in songs. I could barely notice it in reality, but my inner optimistic always believed. And I would often smile randomly thinking about that one that exists in the world, that would be simple and yet complicated, beautiful in her own way, the one that will capture my heart from the very early beginnings and never let it go.

It all happened fast, it took me off guard. It didn’t start with a look. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was rather love at first read. When I wrote her the first message, she replied with a longer one. And I was surprised. I thought I was the one the writes long messages. I have a tendency to do that. I felt in love with her words. And it was the best feeling in the world. I knew, and I was sure that she can understand me. I asked what does she look like, but I never requested a picture. I knew that she was the most beautiful person I have ever met, and I was relaxed. I finally felt peace. I looked at the birds thinking about her, and I touched the city lamps thinking about her, Because I was happy. I was myself again, and I could feel her presence around me, even if at that moment she was not there. I still didn’t know how she looked like. Her aura trapped mine, and I had built her character. I felt united with her. And I never wanted to let go. When you finally feel that, you know that it’s the best thing that happened to you. That that can never possibly happen again. Because there is only one true love. She was my only true love and still is. I saw life differently, and understood life differently because of her. She started everything and she is the meaning of life. She is the life itself. I realised that if I hadn’t been diverse and if I hadn’t created that world where I don’t satisfy that easily with anything, I wouldn’t have felt any of that maybe.

When I finally hugged her for the first time and became united, I knew that that unity can is greater than anything, it is greater than life, and it is eternal. Because what is eternal will never die.

15th, better than 14th of February

As I am opening my eyes and choosing what song of The Killers I will listen to, The Killers because trance songs are too hard to listen to first thing in the morning, I realise that I feel better than I felt in a long time. It’s probably because I am still under the effects of yesterday’s mood, but whatever it is I have to embrace it and keep it.

Life is a strange roller coaster. It’s the moments that make it beautiful, that we all seem to be forgetting nowadays. It’s the love that we share daily, with ourselves and the ones around us, the moments that we spent with our friends, our families, it’s the pictures that we pain each day, the code that we will write today, the story that we will publish,  the sound of the passing train as it up shows up again in the same place as yesterday, with the same delay as yesterday. And yet for most of the people nowadays that is not enough. They understand life as a materialistic uprise. If they don’t get what they desire, life doesn’t make sense to them. If they don’t secure themselves a good house, an apartment, a big yard, a new cell phone, with 0.02 bigger inch than their previous one, they are grumpy and unsatisfied, they feel lost, and pressured, demotivated, and depressed. Is it their fault, if it is fault? Not necessarily. It all starts from when we are kids, being raised in a too generic way. To follow rules, to finish on time, to be someone who we don’t want to be, and not just that but like that person that we become. To become more open, even if there is nothing wrong with being introverted, to finish school, and not just any school but a prestigious one, a worthy one, one that will put us above the others on the materialistic ladder of the 21st century, to celebrate days of love on specific dates and not celebrate love every single day, to visit a doctor when we suffer from being lonely and we have depression, instead of turning to ourselves and the ones around us. The weird part is that most of the people now are living like that, and they are convincing themselves that that is the way it should be, the only way. Staring at their cell phones all the time, that became the reality of the 21st century, avoid the emotions and trap yourself into a virtual world, and be happy with it, be happy with the number of likes, comments, views that their picture will have today, be happy with watching unnecessary shows and movies, just to escape from their stress that their life brings.

People must realise that love is the key for everything, love is what binds everything together, and through love we can achieve everything. And love must be celebrated every day, as much as we can, and never ever put aside. Nurtured, and cherished. Not just on a day set up by some society or culture. 15th of February is different than the 14th, because today people talk about what they bought to their partners, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, instead of loving more, repeating the same thing today as well if possible. I am doing exactly that, I am thinking about her more than I did yesterday. I love her more today than I loved her yesterday. Because I know that every day I love her more and more. And I know that each day, I wake up thinking of her smile, and eyes. And that is what keeps me going, not the song of The Killers that I listened to, as my first song today. She is my everything, and knowing that she is still in love with me today, and I am still in love with her more and more, makes this day better than the previous day, and the day before that, and the day before that. She is real and she is the only thing that I truly care for.

Knowing that on the 15th and loving her more today, makes 15th better than 14th.