There comes a time in our lives where we think we are different.
And from the moment we start thinking that we are that thought hardly changes, and we do anything to keep it alive, to be distinct, to be an outcast. Whether it is from when we are kids when we realise that we don’t do the same things as the other kids, or when we grow up and realise that we don’t want to be some company puppet, sooner or later we all tend to think that we are diverse, but in fact if all or most think like that, isn’t that making them or all of us normal?
From when I was an early teenager, I started realising more and more how emotionally shallow some people can be. I would realise that in some people without ever knowing them or meeting them, I could tell by their faces that they are troubled, on the outside they would act that everything is fine, and that they understood life as it is, because they have jobs, families, cars, houses whatever, and by the definition of our society, that is more or less the definition of being successful or happy and normal. Yet I could sense a great loneliness in their lives. They would smile, they would come up with jokes, they would use sarcasm to hide their emotions and hide their lives. And I was confused. As a 12 year old when you are first starting to comprehend all of that, and the world around you, you are left thinking, overthinking sometimes what is wrong? Why would anyone not be sincere, or loyal, or wanting the best for themselves and not satisfying with just what is ”right”, satisfy with the fact that they will be just passengers in life, floaters, without any significant distinguishment that will make us recognisable in life, different than the rest, but different in that circle, and at the end normal again, because somebody else in this world is probably thinking the same way as us. I tried to understand but I couldn’t.
I would listen to trance music on my TV whereas all of my friends and all that I know around me, would listen to some pop or something extremely boring. I would watch movies that are serious, that are hard to understand, like The Butterfly Effect, movies that can be hard to grasp for an early teenager. I would read and not party, I was realising more and more that I want something else, something more, something that is different, always root for the underdog, always believe in something extraordinary, never satisfy with the casual, no matter how hard life can be. But the biggest internal confusion and the moment when I realised I was definitely different than the ones around me, came with my first crush.
She approached me initially. I had no idea how to act, how to approach all of it, and after a short period of time she was not interested anymore. When you are only 14 and when you experience that you are saying it’s alright it was just an experience, But what was weird was that I never felt something more. Yes I felt the initial crush, but I just wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and have tease her over anything. As the time passed, my friends around me would talk about their experiences, girls, and girls would talk about boys. I would never find an interest in all of that, because all of that, crush after crush, changing a partner often, was meaningless, it was plain and unimaginable. And others would be amazed, because girls would approach me, and yes I would agree to hang out with them (on the rare occasions when I would agree that is), but I had to quit shortly after. It was never their fault. And yes that is a big cliche, but I didn’t feel anything. Looking back at my old experiences, I started understanding that I never cared for anyone except for my family and myself. I never loved a girl/woman in my life. I had great respect to the ones that loved me, and I tried not to disappoint them and make them feel loved but I could never see the world differently and feel the real beauty of the world. When all or most of the people around me dated and cried and were left out with broken hearts, I was the one that stared at the lights, wondering how are they connected, entering every book store, just to see the books that are on the shelves, going into the library every week to get a new book, staring at the endless fields of grass whenever I took the train, and thinking about a better world, a world where all will be happy and satisfied with one another.
Despite all of that I believed in true love. I had to because I saw it in movies, I read about it in books, and I could listen about it in songs. I could barely notice it in reality, but my inner optimistic always believed. And I would often smile randomly thinking about that one that exists in the world, that would be simple and yet complicated, beautiful in her own way, the one that will capture my heart from the very early beginnings and never let it go.
It all happened fast, it took me off guard. It didn’t start with a look. It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was rather love at first read. When I wrote her the first message, she replied with a longer one. And I was surprised. I thought I was the one the writes long messages. I have a tendency to do that. I felt in love with her words. And it was the best feeling in the world. I knew, and I was sure that she can understand me. I asked what does she look like, but I never requested a picture. I knew that she was the most beautiful person I have ever met, and I was relaxed. I finally felt peace. I looked at the birds thinking about her, and I touched the city lamps thinking about her, Because I was happy. I was myself again, and I could feel her presence around me, even if at that moment she was not there. I still didn’t know how she looked like. Her aura trapped mine, and I had built her character. I felt united with her. And I never wanted to let go. When you finally feel that, you know that it’s the best thing that happened to you. That that can never possibly happen again. Because there is only one true love. She was my only true love and still is. I saw life differently, and understood life differently because of her. She started everything and she is the meaning of life. She is the life itself. I realised that if I hadn’t been diverse and if I hadn’t created that world where I don’t satisfy that easily with anything, I wouldn’t have felt any of that maybe.
When I finally hugged her for the first time and became united, I knew that that unity can is greater than anything, it is greater than life, and it is eternal. Because what is eternal will never die.