Sunday morning. Cloudy sky. After a long needed break I finally have the motivation and the passion to write again. And from my experience that is one of the best feelings in life. Feeling that many lack for whatever reasons. I can finally breathe again and feel myself again. I had to take that needed break to liberate myself from the shadow that was encompassing me and that was interfering with my daily life. I had to deal with many things since the time I last wrote my last post, and it was a busy period, but it was worth it. Constantly trying to maintain balance between a life supposedly meant to be, a life planned, and life that is constantly happening around me, not real life, because people often misrepresent what real life is, but real life as in life at the moment, life that I can feel, despite at times not being fully focused on it (even though I despise myself when I am not fully focused on something, anything), but it was life that helped me go through that burden and through that confusion of what will the future hold for me. And the future now looks better, even though I am single. It looks more clear and I can grasp it more. When you can feel it, and when you know that you prefer that one more, than the one you were going to live for someone else, you realise that your current life, and your current track and path that you are walking daily, is the right one.
I can’t deny that the past months were not hard. Lots of cigarettes smoked, lots of cigarettes partially smoked, no alcohol or something more contagious luckily. The cigarettes actually helped me in that period, to clear my sea of thoughts the tempest that was imminent, that at times happened and was created out of the shadows. That same shadow I mentioned before maybe. And even if I despise cigarettes this time they really helped me. Or maybe it was just a placebo effect. Nevertheless, I am liberated, maybe not 100% because the past can’t be completely forgotten, otherwise, you are being a hypocrite to yourself. You may wonder how do I know that I am feeling better? How does one know when he/she reaches that phase and can move on? If you find yourself doing the daily tasks that you enjoy and that make you smile, you are on the right track. I for example, can listen to Paul Oakenfold again and be happy, look at the sky at a slightly different way, read articles again and think more, be focused more on being the person that I really want to be, be focused more on work etc.
I can more easily recognise quality, like in the Sunday morning song from an unpopular band from Singapore called Paint the sky in red, and in anything really, people included, and I will continue giving my full trust from the first day to anyone that I decide is worth because that is me, but this time she will be different and she will decide to trust me fully from day one back.